I’m finding my voice.
I’m learning to trust.
To trust that I am an interesting person.
To trust that I have things to say- and that people want to listen.
To trust that people love me for me.
I think it started with a skirt.
A few months ago I was in Goodwill when I came across an electric blue skirt that unpleasantly demanded my attention. The color offended me, partly because I liked it a little haha. But the thought of wearing it seemed ridiculous. It was way too big for me and elastic at the waist. Marigold yellow and sea-foam green stripes popped against the sassy blue fabric and a series of quirky yellow stitches zig-zagged around the waistband. I wore simple, dark clothing. Not this. This was patterned. All over. The most pattern my closet had seen in years was stripes, and not many of them. What would people think if I bought this? Hot pink was the boldest color I owned and wearing it took some serious will-power.
Deciding that the skirt was too wild for me, I kept going, only to go back and pick it up again. It wouldn’t hurt to try it on. I had no agenda that day, fifty dollars to spend, and I needed new clothes. Why not be a little crazy?
Before my last move I gave away a lot of stuff. Clothes that were itchy, too small, or that I just never wore. When I looked at what remained, I found that I didn’t feel comfortable in anything I owned. A lot of the shirts looked the same, many were really old and some were worn thin and falling to pieces. Most of my stuff was dark, and either so tight that it was uncomfortable or so loose that it wouldn’t stay on my body! My dresses were too short, either on the top or the bottom and my $7 jeans from Forever 21 had been washed so many times that they were saggy and almost see through.
So there I was, shopping for a new wardrobe. My only requirements were: try new things, no blacks, grays or dark blues, and no duplicates.
As I browsed, I started to notice an internal dialogue running through my brain. What would so and so think of this… This looks like something she would wear… This reminds me of this friend or that or… on and on and on!! I was continually thinking about what other people would think!
What do I even like?! I frantically asked myself. My heart gave a noncommittal shrug in response. I didn't know! I had spent so many years trying to mimic other people’s wardrobes that I had lost my own voice; I couldn’t answer the question!
As I realized this, I began to try on EVERYTHING that caught my eye. Since I didn’t know what I liked, I decided to do some good old trial and error until I figured it out. I started ignoring the comparisons and intentionally gave my heart the chance to speak for itself. I gave myself permission to be different. To wear something my friends would never wear. I stopped trying to be someone else and started to dress to impress myself and my God. And it brought me great joy! Clothing is such a gift of self expression! Why would I want to copy someone else when I have been given the privilege to express myself?!
A few hours later, after trying on many, many clothes, I walked out with the beautiful blue skirt and 13 other pieces that made my heart happy to wear. (Plus I only went $0.06 over budget! haha. SUCCESS!).
Since then I have been more aware of what I actually think about things. Like a child, I'm rediscovering who I am. I like certain things. I dislike others. I have dreams, passions, and idiosyncrasies that make my Father in Heaven smile. And while I discover myself, He reveals Himself, and an earth shaking love story unfolds that is unlike anything else in all of creation!
So I declare that I am an interesting person. I have things to say that no one else can say- and people want to hear me! And even though no human being can love me perfectly, they love me for who I am.
So what is your internal dialogue saying? Does it demand conformity? If it does, can I remind you that there's no one like you and there will never be anyone like you! What an honor and blessing! God created you with a purpose and destiny that only You and He can fulfill together. So adventure on! 🙂
Have a blessed day and thanks for hearing my heart!
Love,
Chelle
