Hey y’all,
Sorry for the late update but I’m back and better than ever from training camp!!
While I was there, I learned so much about what it feels like to be shown love and kindness without having to work for it. Growing up, I struggled with fitting in at school because of my dyslexia. Kids would pick on me and make fun of me because I could never pass a spelling test or get a good grade on a math quiz. Really quickly, I learned that in order to fit in, you have to work hard, make good grades, and “look the part”. Because I struggled so much in school, it’s made me a hard worker in my life today. However, I started to find my identity in working hard. I wanted people to believe that I was strong and capable of taking care of myself. I wanted to be that person people looked at and thought, “wow! she has it all together.” I thought that If I just worked harder at my grades I’d be good enough; I thought if I just ran that extra mile I’d be pretty enough; I thought that if I gave more of myself to him then I’d be loved; I thought that if I started my own business and made good money I’d be successful enough.
And I strived and strived and strived to be “good enough,” “pretty enough,” and “successful enough,” because I thought it would make people love me. But once I had strived to accomplish these standards of “enough,” it left me feeling like I needed to work harder and harder.
On June 1st, God stepped in and made it clear to me that it was time to rest and be still.
On June 1st, I was at work like any other day, training a horse. I ended up getting thrown off, taken to the hospital, and ended up having a fractured pelvis and torn labrum. Where my fracture was made it crucial that I remain bed rested — or else I could break my pelvis completely, which would end in surgery and a two-month hospice.
My initial thought was,
“God what the heck are you doing?! I leave for the race way too soon to be breaking one of the biggest bones in my body! Why would you let this happen to me?”
I was angry, in a lot of pain, and had no clue what to do with myself since I couldn’t go to work or to the gym. I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t have a million things going on all at once. I hated the feeling of having nothing to do; it forced me to deal with all of the thoughts in my head. Not being good enough, not being worthy of love, etc.
Usually, when those thoughts or feelings came to mind, I would spend hours at the gym or work as a way to forget. The gym isn’t an option with a fractured pelvis, so now I had nowhere to go to escape my thoughts and feelings.
In the midst of fearing the reality of my emotions and thoughts, God really spoke to me and said, “Be still”. I 100% believe God allowed me getting hurt to open up space for me to connect with Him again. At that point, I had no other option but to turn to Him.
By the time training camp was rolling around, I was still on crutches. I was BEGGING my Doctor to let me go to training camp. Literally, the day before training camp, my doctor cleared me to start walking (as long as I wasn’t going up hills and didn’t carry anything over 10lbs). If I wantedto walk up hills or carry things, I needed to use at least one crutch. I was thrilled and so thankful that I was cleared just in time for training camp.
The day I got there I remember everyone staring at me – I was the only person on a crutch, wheeling my backpack around instead of carrying it normally. That made me feel like this was a bad idea, and maybe I shouldn’t be here at all.
As soon as I got to Adventures In Missions, I found out that we had to hike in our packs and set up camp. I realized then that I was going to have to ask people to help me. I so badly didn’t want to rely on people for help, but I didn’t really have a choice. I hate to ask for help. BUT, when I asked someone to carry my bag for me, they always replied happily and willingly; I could see in their eyes that they were genuine about wanting to help me.
Soon after having help with my bag, I began to feel guilty and shameful that I couldn’t do it myself. I felt like I owed them something… that I needed to do something nice in return because I didn’t deserve the help I was given. I did nothing to earn that person’s love and kindness, but they extended it to me anyways.
Later that night, in our first meeting, I found out that we had to carry our chairs and day packs with us EVERYWHERE. Those both exceed 10lbs, which means I was going to have to use my crutch all of training camp.
This was my thought initially, “as soon as I get my stuff set up at camp, I can lose the crutch and blend in with everyone else.” But after the meeting, I realized God was going to break me down and get me to understand that I can’t do everything on my own. He wanted me to learn that it’s okay to receive help, even when we don’t want it.
Every day was a physical struggle, but more so an emotional one. I remember trying my hardest to act like everything was fine. I would put a big smile on my face and act like I wasn’t struggling with carrying a chair while wearing a backpack and crutching up gravel hills. (As I’m writing this, I’m laughing and realizing how prideful and stubborn I was to think I could do it all on my own. I know, I know I’m crazy).
Since I was on a crutch, I stuck out like a sore thumb. Everyone I met would ask me, “Oh my gosh! what happened to your ankle? Did you sprain it?” or “did you twist your foot?” At first, I remember getting upset with the people who would assume it was something as simple as a sprained ankle. I thought people were trying to downplay my injury and make me feel bad for being on a crutch. I know that wasn’t their true intentions, but they were my thoughts of insecurity. God really walked me through being honest about what happened. Through being honest, I got offered help. If I hadn’t told people the story, I wouldn’t have gotten the help I needed or the new friends I now have because of it.
For a long time, I have been praying for a community of people who want nothing more than to care for others and follow God wholeheartedly.
I can honestly say I’m thankful for God allowing this season of immobility. Without the injury, I wouldn’t have learned what it feels like to receive loveand kindness without having to work for it. I now have friends who I know I’ll keep in contact with for the rest of my life, and cannot wait to travel the world and share the gospel alongside them. It’s crazy to think that I made lifelong friends because of someone asking, “can I carry your chair?” and me allowing them to.
Today in my devo I read “My kingdom is not about earning and deserving; It is about believing and receiving.” I realized that I got so caught up in believing that love and kindness hasto be earned, that I lost sight of what God says. On the first night of training camp, after admitting to the Lord that I am fearful of love, he responded, “Beloved, love isn’t to be feared.”
After hearing Him say that, I was reminded that our God is a God of love, and that He isn’t to be feared. Saying that I’m fearful of love is like I’m saying I’m fearful of God to the point I don’t trust him with my heart. How silly is that? God was the maker of my heart. He knows just what I need to be healed. He knows the desires I have. So why would I not trust him fully when He knows my heart better than anyone else?
After my devo, I prayed for understanding and peace. I expressed to God how I was feeling, and asked what I should do with what I’ve learned.
This is my prayer- “God, this is one of the biggest struggles of mine. I feel that in order for me to get or receive anything, I have to work hard for it. I feel undeserving of something that I haven’t worked hard for. God, I know that that isn’t true; however, I feel that I’m not worthy of people’s love and kindness if I haven’t done anything for them. I start to feel guilty when people do things for me or say things to me. Lord, I know that the enemy attacks me in this area. I know that the truth is this: love isn’t to be earned or worked for. God, please soften my heart so that I can accept things that are given to me. Help me remember that I am worthy enough to receive love and kindness from You (and other people), despite what the enemy tells me. Amen.”
I’m so thankful for training camp. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to make such good friends through a season of hardship. I saw and felt what it was like to receive true love and kindness. I’m looking forward more and more each day for the race. I can’t wait to share more with y’all in the time to come.
Thank you all so much for reading my blog!
