September 24th, 2018
My prayer ~
Lord, help me to keep my eyes on You and know that I can’t make it through this day, week, month, trip without YOU. I feel as if on this trip You are silent and far from me.
Why haven’t I heard from You?
“ARE YOU LISTENING?”
I feel like I’ve been listening for You.
“ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ME?”
YES Lord, I’ve been looking for You!
“TO KNOW ME OR TO USE ME?”
…. (yikes)
But God, you tell us to call out to You in times of trouble and You will answer “I AM HERE”.
“THERE’S A DIFFRENCE BETWEEN IN TIMES OF TROUBLE AND IN TIMES OF NEED.”
“YOU AREN’T IN TIMES OF TROUBLE ANY MORE!”
“I AM SETTING YOU FREE OF THAT.”
Lets just say God wrecked me in a whole new way this week.
Before God so bluntly put it, I had never thought about the difference between being in times of troubleand in times of need.For so long my spiritual walk has been me being in times of trouble. Me screaming out to God because I could barely get out of bed in the morning due to all the weight of heartbreak and loneliness.
For so long I thought God would only show up for me when I was so deeply hurt that the bones in my body ached.
HE only showed up when my head was pounding because my thoughts began to consume my whole being.
HE only showed up when my heart had been obliterated by someone I had loved.
HE only showed up when I became so numb to life that I would physically exhaust myself so that I could feel something…anything. The physical pain I put my body through was more tolerable than the pain of my soul at war with itself.
UNTIL NOW
When God said to me, “You aren’t in times of trouble any more. I’m breaking you free of that.” I couldn’t believe Him. I had never experienced His presence when it didn’t involve Him saving me.
For so long I’ve asked God to take me far from home so I could see the world and know Him more, and I’m finally doing that; however, this trip I feel that God isn’t going to be here for me the way He has been in the past. I’m no longer in a season of suffering (sounds harsh but that’s what it’s been like) which feels so awkward. When you’ve been in any season for a long period of time you begin to accept what is and anything different from that feels unatural.
Logically I know that here in Quito Ecuador, with 50 other people, who all love the Lord I should feel safe and not desperately needing God to hold my hand every step of the way. But like growing pains, when God starts to step back and gives me space it hurts…bad. However, through God stepping back and giving “space” He is teaching me the difference between times of trouble and times of need.
For me, times of trouble:
When you’re in the bathroom washing your hands and glance up to see your face, except you no longer see yourself in your reflection. You see this lifeless broken person. The sight of your lifeless reflection brings you to tears and brings you to the realization that you can’t make it a second longer. It takes everything in you to take a breath and even more to pray and ask God for His peace and strength to get through whatever hardship you might be facing. It comes to the point that your tears and sobs do the praying for you.
For me, times of need:
Being surrounded by a large group of people yet feeling so alone. Calling out to God because He hasn’t checked on you in a while. Questioning if I’m where He wants me to be. Mentally and physically I’m okay, but spiritually I want to hear from the Lord to get a ‘pick me up’. Wanting Him to comfort me.
I’m learning that when we aren’t in times of trouble we are going to experience God differently. Learning the difference between suffering and loneliness.
It feels as if He’s more distant. Although I know He’ll never really leave, I do truly believe He gives us space to see if we are willing to seek Him out just to know Him better. Like He said to me‘Do you look and listen for me so that you can know me better or to use to me?’
When in a season of trouble, it’s okay to cry out to our father in hopes of receive something from Him. He wants that. But like in any relationship you need to invest in one another. Ask each other questions. Be there for one another through the good and the bad.
I’m no longer in my season of trouble.
I’m being set free so that I can start letting go of what was and accepting what is, and get lost in the Lord. Seeking Him out because I want to know Him better, not because I want to use Him better.
If y’all could be in prayer with me that God would begin to show Himself more clearly to me so that I can know Him better I would really appreciate it.
Pray that I seek Him out to know Him and not to use Him.
Pray that the healing of past hurts comes rapidly.
Pray that God will restore light back into my eyes so that I can be a light for Him.
Pray for the health of my team and I.
Pray that God will wreck me in a way that only makes me a stronger believer.
Pray that I will begin to believe in the good the Lord has promised me.
If any of y’all have prayer requests please shoot me an email. I would be happy to be in prayer with you.
~ Chooch
