For a while now, I know God has been telling me to wait. To be patient. To stay still. To thank Him. To praise Him. In doing so He will restore all the brokenness within me.
I realized this week that I really did leave for the Race out of fear and tiredness. I got to the point that anything was better than the way I was living.
Up by 6
School 7-1
Gym 2-4
Work 5-11
Home sometimes by 12
REPEAT
Life became so numb and meaningless, I meant for it to be. I didn’t want to feel anymore.
I had lost who I was.
One day, while reading in Isaiah, I found a verse that talked about how when we get out of ourselves and serve others (even when we don’t feel like it) our healing will come rapidly.
After reading through Isaiah, I knew I had to leave home. It felt like leaving was my last option to breaking free from all the bondage that held me hostage within my mind. Today I realized that was really stupid of me to think running away would solve anything.
I’m still fearful of love, I still have a hard time connecting with girls my own age, I still HATE dealing with emotions/emotional people, and I’m still being tormented by the painful thoughts that constantly run through my head.
I so badly am wanting to fight my way out of it all so I can finally rest and be able to breathe again.
BUT GOD IS ASKING ME TO WAIT AND BE STILL????
Personally, I hate waiting. I think it’s a waste of time. For a little over a year now I’ve been waiting to get over heartache and find community where I really click with people. I feel that after a year that should have happened by now, but it hasn’t. The common theme between both of these two problems is I literally can’t, in any way, change it on my own. I can’t work or fix my heart and I sure as heck can’t change people to be who I need them to be, so what does that leave me to do other than to wait?
During worship this past week a girl from my team sang this song called Defender by Rita Springer, and man did it wreck me.
In the lyrics, it says…
You go before I know, that you’ve even gone to win my war. You comeback with the head of my enemy. You come back and you call it my victory, oh but
All I did was praise.
All I did was worship.
All I did was bow down.
All I did was stay still.
You have saved me so much better your way.
When I thought I lost me you knew where I left me.
You reintroduced me to your love.
You picked up all my pieces and put me back together.
You are the defender of my heart.
I’ve been trying so hard to fight and fix all the pain that remains tormenting me day by day when all I truly need to do is praise God, worship Him, bow down, and remain still. In doing so HE will fight my battles for me, HE will defend my heart and HE will reintroduce me to HIS love because I had lost who I was. For so long I have been trying to fix and care for myself when all I needed to do was give myself over to God, allowing God to be my defender instead of myself.
If y’all could pray for me to continue to praise Him, to worship Him, to bow down, to stay still, and to wait I would really appreciate it.
Pray that my heart can be molded and softened to what the Lord has for me.
Pray that I give up all control and the need to understand.
Pray that I have renewed strength.
Pray that my faith is made stronger through a season of healing.
And pray that I remain humble when God chooses to use me.
~ Chooch.
