“Calling is something you can’t not do.” –Neil B.
Before I started the World Race, I could tell you very specifically what “my calling” was. I’d tell you that I have a heart for youth, the homeless, the poor, and every other marginalized group that was in my sphere of influence. However, being on the Race, I found there is a fine line between being sentimental and being part of the solution.
So much of what I have done in the physical has been what I used to call “band-aids”. It’s not that painting a garage, doing manual labor, and other good stuff doesn’t do things for the kingdom of God; it really does. However, There is something inside of me that wishes I could do more than that.
I’ve been “stuck” with feeling like I wish I could do more for a long time. I can actually trace this back to a specific conversation. Someone asked me once why I believed in God. I have a plethora of “good reasons” that are all very true. But, when I get down to it, it really doesn’t do my heart justice. Really, the most compelling reason for following Christ for me is compassion. I’d say “my compassion”, but honestly, I really don’t think it comes from me. I can remember the days when my faith was just a label I stuck on myself. “Yeah… I’m a Christian, because I go to that church and….[fill in Christianese]”. But when I really get down to it, so much of me serves because I can’t not care, and I can’t turn a blind eye to need.
I’ve tried. Really. Apathy is something that comes naturally to me and my generation. However, I remember, as a teenager, praying a dangerous prayer for God to wreck my life. The fuzziness of innocence left me senior year of high school. It was there that I began to question my faith. Don’t worry… I never left. But there have always been parts that have remained in tension with God.
“Why did my friend die?”
“Where was God when my friends left the church?”
“Why do I feel called to ministry and question God all the time?”
One of my dear brothers in the faith spoke super prophetically to me once when I was telling him about all the things in my life that made me question God. He told me point blank, “You think you’re the only one? You think you’re the only one who [insert things in life that doesn’t make sense]? Maybe you should thank God you aren’t above the same suffering of the people your minister to.”
So here I stand, working in facilities. While haven’t been offered the opportunity to go the nations again (yet), I can influence the people around me. While I can’t give sermons to millions of people, I can speak truth to everyone I meet. I am called to be in my life, however God allows me to serve in it. While I can't say I have a specific "calling", I can say that I am called to act based on God's character in me.
Father, lead me in Your plans.
