My life is a wreck. No, not because there’s dirty laundry on my floor. It’s really not even the fact that I had a childhood friend tragically pass away.
One of the reasons why I feel like some of my world has come crashing down is that I’ve been realizing more and more how I am used to numbing my problems. So much of my life I’ve taken to the really bad habit of just swallowing my emotions, getting through to the other side of the day, waking up and hoping yesterday doesn’t spring back into action like a beach ball underwater.
But like all problems, like a beach ball underwater, they will eventually erupt in some unexpected part of my life causing debris and casualties, unfortunately falling victim to my laziness from not dealing with the hurting of my heart. I used to think that people either didn’t want to hear about my problems or wouldn’t want to understand. Sometimes I get really frustrated with myself because, even though I’ve seen all the benefits of community, I find myself not living out “grieve with those who grieve”.
Perhaps, if I’m truly honest, grieving is easier if I’m not the first one grieving. There is an illusion that it’s easier if you don’t feel the full weight of loss.
Recently I went to a training camp to watch some Racers get launched, and I spoke with a guy who had a smile on his face. I asked him what God had been teaching him, and he didn’t even flinch, “To grieve. If I grieve, and can be honest with God, then I can let Him heal me.” He smiled at me with a smile of satisfaction. God had healed him.
Lord, help me to be honest in this hour, and trust that at the end, You will reign and You are good.
"I will grieve with you with groanings too deep for words,
I will sympathize with the temptation to believe the lies that you have heard,
I will mourn over the loss of finite family and friends,
and I will defeat death so that you will know that death is not the end."
— "Resentment" Levi the Poet
