I know I have thought it so many times. Perhaps on a really happy high or in the pits of a very deep low, we've all thought it one time or another: "Man… how on earth did I end up here?" When I moved to Albuquerque, I thought that so many times. I did not want to be here. I had tried everything in my power to not come. Most of it was because of unsettled issues with my family. Add in a poor economy, multiply it by wanting to "establish myself", and factor in a few pride issues… you can do the math. I was frequently asking myself the question: "What are you doing here God?"
I thought having a college education would secure myself in the working world until I could find something that allowed me to stand on my two feet. Seven-hundred plus job applications later, I was shown otherwise. God and I had some super huge fights, in which usually ended with both of us folding our arms in frustration at the other. Mind you, we would still have the same affection for one another. However, if you know anything about families, the ones that care about you the most are the ones that get under your skin the easiest. When I was living with homeless kids, their dysfunction seemed to be easier to tolerate. When I came to Albuquerque, I was thrown back into "hey… this is your family… DEAL WITH IT!"
I was forced to look at my faith much deeper than ever, and seeing the old quote "Do you believe their is purpose in your pain?" come closer to home than ever before. The church I attended had Christian counseling, and for the third time I was asked, "Do you believe God is all He says He is?" and "Are you going to believe in who God says you are?" In His word it says "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" and "Surely I am with you until the ends of this earth".
As I have entered into this pain of life with my family, Christ renewing me the entire time, I have been asking myself the question: "You have homeless experience, you have experiences with suffering (on a world scale not very intense, but suffering none the less), you can't find a job anywhere, how does God want to you minister to the world?" This brings me to the World Race.
I have nothing to offer this world that will do it any good. When it comes down to it, I am a selfish brat who seeks to be comfortable at all costs if left to my own devices. However, in working at East Central Ministries (a total Godsend), Sox Place, and with the poor I have seen people that have made my life more rich than I could ever imagine. God has used me in situations to brind healing in His name. It as grown me into trusting Him more each day. So, much like the beginning, I think more math needs to be done.
Seeing God's sacrifical love in flesh by living with the homeless+feeling the suffering of this world on a very small scale+seeing God restore my relationship with my family through time and sacrificial love-doubt that God was there= If God is for us, who can be against us?
God is all who He says He is.
