I watch my grandmother approach my dad. He embraces her and they walk away from the crowd of people that surrounds them. My grandmother is limping, she is without her cane, but my dad holds her up. He stops to talk to someone, but she continues walking. I lose sight of her as she walks into the distance.
I wake up and realize I am in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I lay in bed thinking about what I just dreamed and my heart’s feelings. A sequence of events plays through my mind. Memories of playing on my grandmother’s terrace in Colombia, gardening with her in the summer time, and interviewing her for school projects all bring me to tears.
Then, the most heart-wrenching memory comes to mind:
I receive a text message from my mom saying, “pray for your grandmother.” I call her immediately to find out what is happening. “Your grandmother is in the hospital. She isn’t doing well,” my heart drops, I sit on the nearest bench, and try to remember how to breathe. Anxiously, I ask my mom for more information, “Tell me more.” As the week progresses, I begin accepting the fact that the cancer may have caught up to my grandmother and it might be over.
I fast electronics for two days. During my fast, God prepares my heart for what is to come. Sunday night comes and I break fast. Knowing what the near future has in store for my family and me, I call my mom. I ask her to get to the hospital, put the phone on speaker, and allow me to talk to my grandmother one last time. As I plan this, my grandmother takes her last breath on earth. She was gone before I could say goodbye.
That was two months ago—in World Race time, two countries ago. All I have left of her are memories.
Adventures in Missions embraces a catchy vocabulary. One word that has become my favorite is, “grieve,” which derives from “grief.”
grief: deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone’s death
I have practiced this often on the race. At times, I felt myself letting go of materials or mindsets in order to pursue godliness. All I want is Jesus; all my soul needs is Jesus. Therefore, letting go of materials and mindsets was worth it because the less I have, the more I cling to Jesus. Scripture encourages us to die to ourselves daily. In essence, we are to die to our flesh so that we may live by the Spirit of God.
“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
Galatians 2:20
While on the World Race, we are encouraged to accept the fact that any expectation we have will not be met. Laying down our every desire at the foot of the cross is the goal. More of Him, less of me.
“He must increase, but I must decrease.”
John 3:30
“You don’t know you have expectations until they aren’t met,” was the introduction to the speech about laying down expectations at training camp.
expectation: a belief that someone will or should achieve something; a strong belief that something will happen
Expectation is a form of entitlement. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we believe we are entitled to things. We cannot recognize entitlement until we are disappointed. I don’t know I expect a good cup of coffee from Starbucks until I drink coffee that’s been sitting in the pot all day. I don’t realize I expect to have wifi in a third world country until I find myself frantically searching for the nearest Internet café. I don’t recognize my sense of entitlement to “good tasting” food until I consume something that is less than praise worthy. I didn’t know I had an expectation of life when I came on the race. Subconsciously, I expect to live tomorrow. I expect that blessing to extend to loved ones as well. I didn’t know this was an expectation of mine until it wasn’t met.
God gives and takes away according to what He sees necessary simply because He is God. Entitlement says, “I deserve this.” Reality check: we deserve nothing. Everything that has been given to us is a gift from God Himself. God gives us things because He loves us. What’s even more beautiful is that He takes these things away because He loves us. Being without the normal comforts of life allows us to depend on God. It is a blessing to have things taken from us because this is God gently pulling us toward Himself.
I thought I was entitled to return home to a complete family. Unfortunately, my definition of “complete” was not founded on completion in Christ, but in number. My grandmother is physically gone from this earth, but her memory lives on. I am still grieving her death, but the fact that I am without other family members shows me how much God wants me to depend solely on Him during this process. He desires me to trust Him with my heart, my pains, and my thoughts. I must do this. There is nothing else I can do.
No longer do I expect to return to a family. No longer do I expect tomorrow to come. I am glad that I no longer have this expectation or sense of entitlement. This allows me to focus on the present. This mindset allows me to pour everything I have into where God has me right now.
God has me on the World Race. He has me in a place to serve and obey Him, which results in ministering to others I encounter.
Live life without expectations and you will live life fully.
My grandmother and I last year at her birthday party
