What does that mean? It is still, after eight months, so odd to hear that title
for myself and at times I am filled with guilt. Guilt for not being the best
missionary I can be, I guess. Maybe I feel guilty because more times than not I
have wanted to stay closed up behind doors rather than going out into the
world, the world in which Jesus told me to spread the gospel. The world in
which Jesus said to, ” Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in
the name of the father, son and holy spirit and teaching them to obey
everything I have commanded you.” (Matthew 28:19). This world we live in is full
of people who are hopeless and filling the void only Jesus can with other things- you would think that would make me desire to GO! But the truth is,
at times, I don’t desire to and if I am being honest, it is more times than not.
alone thinking about what God thinks of me when I don’t want to go. When I
don’t want to tell my neighbours, my friends, my co-workers, these cultures I
am stepping into about eternal life. Is He upset with me down here on Earth?
Does He look down from heaven and press His lips together giving me that
disappointed look? I was called here,
but why am I not always excited to do the work? We are paraded around from
place to place, person to person, praying for people, sharing the gospel, and
sharing the hope we put our lives in. Each day we get this amazing opportunity
to be here, everyday has new things to offer, we minister to others and preach
the good news. I think about the fact that privacy is a new found luxury while
kids swarm us and follow us to our house peeping through the windows. But
sometimes, when we do ministry, I say to God, “well I have already shared the
gospel five times today, do I have to share it again?”
What???
people’s lives, the story of freedom and eternal life and
I let my flesh get inthe way and wonder how many more times I have to share this life changing story.
eight months into this life, this journey, this race, I wonder… I wonder why some
days I don’t want to do this. I often wonder what this is inside of me that
does not desire to GO and spread Life.
At times I wish
there could be an on and off switch to this life. What if there was an on and
off switch for those days. What would it be like if we could just turn off the
switch? If we could just be off when we wanted to be off. An off switch that
would allow me to ignore the world around me. An off switch that would allow me
to walk right past people without saying hello. An off switch that would make
it okay for me not to make an effort to speak with someone. An off switch that
would make it okay for me not to do ministry or engage in certain conversations.
I do not always want to be ON, some days I wish I was allowed to be turned OFF. I get home and kids are looking at us like we are celebrities, and I
wonder what’s so amazing as they just stare at us. We are Gods children, and I
sometimes tell him “I do not want to do this God. Can’t I go back to a normal
life of personal space and speaking when I want to speak? Turn myself OFF for
just a bit, let someone else take over.”
Nope because I
chose to give my life for God, I chose to do as he says.
Lyndsie is
reading this book by Steve Brown called Scandalous Freedom and in the
book he briefly mentions this: “That is what God’s goodness has done to
me. It has created in my heart a great desire to please the one who loves me,
knowing that, if I don’t please him or even have the desire to please him, he
will remain quite fond of me. Sometimes I don’t do it right. At times I get
tired of being “religious” and don’t do it…The more I experience his love and grace, the more I want to
please him.”
So is that it
then? Do I need to experience his love and grace more? Do I need to press into
him more? Do I need to pray more about asking him to give me the desire to
desire him? I am working on this attitude of reflecting God, of being a person
who desires to work for the King, “on” or “off” season. Persevering and running
the race mark out.
This 11 month
mission trip is really not that bad, please do not get us wrong, there are just
those days where you get tired. I know there are times I do not want to get out
of bed, but every time I do God shows me something new. He shows me I am in the
middle of Africa experiencing once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. He shows me how
to love better and how He loves me, how to desire him. Really these are lifetime lessons, and I
know God is ok with that as long as we are teachable.
“Whatever you do,
work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you
know that you will inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is Lord Christ you
are you are serving.” Colossians 3: 23-24
I am now
persevering and being faithful on or off season (2 Timothy 4:2). Learning and willing to change to better glorify God, our King.
as much as it does me, just remember we are working for the King, he loves an
honest heart and he will teach us where to go from here.
Christianity is a relationship- I believe
that. Which is why I can be honest and He still accepts me, that is what an
relationship is all about anyways. – “Same Kind of Different as me”
by Ron Hall and Denver Moore
