if ya hadn’t seen from social media postings, two weeks ago i started my journey home to the states after being removed from the field due to COVID-19 and the uncertainty and craziness it has brought into the world. and since then, life has been exactly that. uncertain and crazy. and i felt it was finally time to share what my life has looked like.
change has been my constant it seems like the last month of my life.
i moved to asia. a new continent. i saw my parents for the first time in six months. had real conversations and began to process what i thought would be another three months before i saw them again and moved back into their home. i moved from the city to a town in the mountains of thailand where i fell in love quicker than anything, only compared with that of the meeting and being captivated by jesus himself. i heard about squads everyday from random countries being sent home by AIM and had so much time to think and contemplate and ask the lord what his will for me and my squad was. i then received the news that we would be sent home not in may, not even the next month or week, but the very next day. a couple flights to LA and then a flight home and two weeks later and here i am.
with a little more comprehension of my sweet fathers plan for me. a brighter and more expectant perspective. an ability to shift what the world is deeming as chaos to what i see as the lord’s mercy and kindness towards me and all of his creation. and in a time where my thoughts still run rampart constantly and randomly i have some snippets from my time with the father over the course of this whole journey i think would be the only thing to adequately describe the emotions and the growth i have felt.
3.3.2020 (waking up in thailand)
i think i am still not over the fact that i woke up in africa two days ago and now i am waking up in asia. in thailand. month 7 and i am already three days in. i love the life i live and i am content. from writing in open fields to creating them for myself w the father, in the middle of the city. just can’t believe this is my life. this is living. really living.
3.9.2020 (after my first week in thailand)
wow. a crazy week. a week with my parents. my first week in a new continent. a new city. a new country. with wifi and city life being bigger and newer distractions than i could’ve imagined. a week where i neglected the father. his goodness. his light. his rest. his simplicity. i have so many emotions about this week i wish i had sat with him and pressed in more. this week was a good and hard and weird week. a serious challenge and what seems to be a sneak peek into what life in america will look like when i go home in three short months. i am blessed. so beyond it. but man. i never want to feel like i don’t fight to sit at the fathers feet again. i want to seek to sit and walk in the same lightness i did in ethiopia. i never want to lose what i gained.
3.11.2020 (moving to ministry site in the mountains)
this place. i never knew that simple things could automatically make a place feel like home. riding in the front seat of a truck. neon green walls. a river to walk in. a view of a mountain and the feel of sunshine. worship in another language. laughing with kids i just met. having wifi in a place where it feels like i shouldn’t. just all the details that made up this day. i don’t know why this place feels like so sweet. but i am so thankful. the lord so evidently dwells in this place. so stinking evidently.
3.13.2020 (finding out squads were going home, uncertain about my own)
i have never known much about the world. i don’t always understand it nor do i usually want to. i love that the lord has called me “set apart” and i love that i have the gift of knowing and accepting it. but man. i just want to understand whats going on in this moment. is this thing severe? are they booking my flight home in march or april instead of may? will i get to see my family sooner? how would i react to the announcement of going home early? man, lord. what is your will and purpose in all of this? when will i get to know?
3.14.2020 (an intimate request for the lord)
make sure i am fit. inside and out. so i never lose sight of your love. help me keep in step with you, never missing you a beat. god. i love living with you.
3.15.2020 (messy and scribbled thoughts on the last day of the race)
its out of my control.
its out of my hands.
i am trusting in the one who created man.
3.18.2020 (flying home)
“charlie, you can still find peace, even with out knowing what is coming next.”
3.19.2020 (first day being home)
this is the first time in what seems like a very long time where i have actually had a chance to stop and think and write. you would think 12 hour plane rides and 7 hour layovers would be an ample opportunity to do so but somehow i felt like i was moving more rapidly and farther than i ever thought my body and mind could move. i am home. woke up in my own bed this morning. i don’t know how to do this life anymore. i don’t know how to fight for my people when i don’t physically live with them. i don’t know how to be the fathers when everyone else is claiming me as their own. i don’t know how not to belong to the world when their attitude and demeanor of fear matches my own, even if they are caused by different nightmares we seem to be living. lord. i know you are good. and i know there is goodness in this season. i know it. i just wanna see it.
3.23.2020 (messy morning thoughts)
i still don’t know how i feel about everything but i think i am beginning to understand disappointment and how i deal w it. lots of anger. possibly masking w false positivity. denying i actually have feelings. saying i want to feel it but knowing thats the last thing i actually want. i know i want to create again. to write. to sit with my creator and ask him to inspire me. but i feel as if i am already falling back into comparing myself to who i was before the race and even on it. scared i won’t be as “good” as the charlie i was on the race. but i know the lord tells me i am steadfast. my heart is steady. lord, show me my reflection of you.
3.24.2020 (a quiet time conversation w the father)
you are rebuilding me. starting over. you want me to sing again. join the dancing. join the revival. you are taking me back to my old vineyards to create and reveal the new wine we have been cultivating and working on for months. its time to share the sweetness. you are asking me to shout. jump. sing. cheer. you have brought all your people back to do the same. this is a time to celebrate what you are doing, even when we dont know why. you are promising us fresh flowing streams and brooks in a place we could deem old and barren at first glance. but you call it vibrant. a ground ready to be watered. you call it home.
3.26.2020 (some morning thoughts after the first week home)
its crazy to think all this time i was traveling home and sitting here in new braunfels, i was originally supposed to still be in chiang dao. and even as writing this i know. i know. i am exactly where i am supposed to be. exactly. but its weird to think about how i can say , “oh, plans have changed.” but they didn’t. the master plan of my life was already designed and even better than anything i could’ve dreamt up. someone has done it before me. prepared the way. he knew i would enjoy sunsets and sunrises with my head sticking out of so many windows in so many places. but he also knew he would bring me back in the midst of what seems like chaos so i could be a breath of freshness. a small reminder to stop. stick your head out the window. have tears slip down my cheeks and blame it on the wind. but really its the overwhelming emotion of gratitude. of straight up awe and a nostalgia i will only ever feel for the race. but he wanted me to feel it in that way. not in any other way. not at all.
3.27.2020 (some final thoughts i am clinging to)
charlie. it is okay for the king to be wild for you in a place that looks different. he is wild for you. simply. wild. he was wild for you in the lush green grass of guatemala where you painted and laughed and laid out. in open fields under starry nights in ethiopia where you smiled sweeter smiles than you even knew your face could handle. in hazy yet beautiful sunset views through mountain tops in your backyard in thailand. and here now. where you have lush green grass in your front yard again. where you can pull over to sit in open fields and see the same stars you did in africa and you still get to see the most beautiful sunsets because its the same artist and creator who has always created for you. because he is simply wild for you. so please. dance in the streets. lift your head up and smile sweetly. fall deeper in love with life. do it. don’t let disappointment rob you of now what could be. the couldve been is simply that. for now all you have to do is go to the mountains. run wild for the creator who is already wild for you.
