Re-entry, the Real Story.

Re-entry, the Real Story.

…My real story, that is.

Every Racer’s re-entry into the States from the field looks different. I knew that. I did everything to prepare as a good Racer would…I listened attentively to the alumni Racers who visited our squad in month 9 in Guatemala and shared about their re-entry experiences, I went through the re-entry packet given by the Adventures in Missions staff, and I even read an entire book on re-entry given to me by Albin during my last month in Panama. I’m pretty sure I remember myself making comments such as, “I think I’ll do pretty well with re-entry. I’m 31, I’ve experienced some life, I’ve got an amazing group of family and friends to go home to, and I have a healthy awareness of myself and my emotions; I’ll adjust just fine.”

Well, it turns out that it has been quite a journey; one marked by loss, grief, loneliness, anxiety, sadness, disillusionment, disappointment, and tears (Yep, fun times…you know you are surrounded by amazing people when they stick around for this season!).

I’m a deep person. I feel deeply, and the process of transitioning from the World Race life to “normal” life has illuminated that fact once again. I grieve the experience deeply. I grieve my teammates deeply. I grieve the daily clarity of personal purpose deeply, I grieve the adventure deeply, and I grieve the hope of what my future could have been post-Panama – deeply. There is a depth of feeling that is indescribable – even as I sit here and write this – slightly removed from the immediacy of the emotions. Sometimes I feel like I am going to burst with all the feelings, yet when it comes to sharing the treasure I hold inside my heart from the past year, it seems there is no adequate way to do so…it was an experience…and everyone I experienced it with is gone. I know we could argue technicalities relative to the term “gone”, but this is how it feels.

The Race ended as abruptly as it started when I first met the 40 strangers back in July 2011. I lived in uniquely close and intentional community for 11 months…and then they were gone. Poof. It’s like a piece of me is missing. It’s easy to judge myself. A voice says, “I don’t hear about other Racers struggling this way…what’s wrong with you?” But, I have to stop there. This is my re-entry which can only be processed by me with my heart – in all of its depth and sentimental glory! This past year, I experienced deeply, loved deeply, gave deeply, received deeply, and now I grieve deeply.

And so, over the past weeks, I have done all I can do. I put one foot in front of the other (some days that has proven to be easier than other days). I seek counsel, soak in companionship, and pray to the Lord for peace, direction, comfort and His will for my life…