Breaking the Chains of
Over Desiring Marriage
I currently have a large journal; my first entry was on May 14th of last year. Usually In the past it has taken only 6 months to fill a journal, but thanks to Anthropologie (&the $40 I spent on it), I have a beautiful hardback pink journal will a billion pages in it.
Lately, I have been going back and rereading my first entries filled with Tim Keller quotes on marriage from when I was studying gender roles to the book list I barely hit the iceberg on before I turned 22. Andy Byrd quotes about living like Moses who lived radically before the eyes of God and listened to His voice and not other’s. I have dreams upon dreams (real ones) where someone invites me to be apart of what God is doing in the earth to the desires of my heart to go over seas. This pink journal is a hard copy of my journey in saying yes to God’s leadership in overseas missions.
The overwhelming theme of the first third of my journal is the struggle of over desiring marriage, “…single people canot love their lives well as singles without a balanced, informed view of marriage. If they do not have that, they will either over-desire or under-desire marriage, and either of those ways of thinking will distort their lives.” Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage
My Journal Entry From July 4th, 2015
“”While I was with them,
I kept them in your name,
which you have given me…” (John 17:12)
“”Kept them in your name…” What does this mean? Give me the spirit of wisdom and revelation. Lord, touch me with your word. I like the part that says, “Which you have given me.” The Father gives us all a new name. I have Daddy God’s last name. I am loved by Daddy God.
“I have been having suicidal thoughts again as I wrestle with feeling undesirable. Some thoughts are destructive like, “I should just close off my heart.” or “I will never be known by a man, or wanted to be known.” I feel like my self worth is being attacked again, and even the character of my Father in heaven. What is wrong with me?
“Maybe, this might be a valid option: I am looking to me, and the way that they see me as the self satisfaction that I am longing for. Because I fall hard and quickly over guys, maybe this is an area that I have made into an idol.
“Lord, if I have, please forgive me. Help me to have eyes for you. Maybe this is just something that I need your help in. [Because] In looking back at my history with guys it has always been quite difficult. Is this something that I need to be aware of because I do have problems with my self worth? God, help me to love you. Help me to see men as my brothers and comrades in the faith and not as possibles mates…”
I was reading this journal entry this morning and I need to boast in the work that my Father has done in my heart!
He has saved me from suicidal thoughts! I thought that I had to live in my own strength, and living from that place only gave me hopelessness. Now I have vision for life, and a deep joy billowing from within me! I can literally say that I am completely set free from depression and suicidal thoughts! This is a battle that I have been fighting since I was 12, and now at 22 years old I am completely free from the brokenness that has chocked me for ten years.
Jesus has become my satisfaction, and I am no longer ruled by man’s perception of me! I constantly get the, “You look 16. Are you sure you are an adult,” conversation. It happened this morning at the bank. Last year at this time I remember going out for drinks with my best friends and just feeling so less then and comparing myself to them. I saw how other’s saw them as sexy and funny. I was ruled by the lie that I looked like a child with plump cheeks. I have learned that being me and leaning into the leadership of Jesus is sexy. (; He has taught me my self worth in Him, and I am confidant in His love for me. I was made to find joy and satisfaction in my creator, and I have been finding the well of happiness within Him.
My Journal entry from July 4th, 2015 goes on with me meditating on God’s word in John 17. I believe that these verses have been the tool that has brought me freedom. His Word brings truth, and breaks off the lie.
July 4th Entry Continued
“”I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one…Sanctify them in your truth, for your word is the truth…” (John 17:15&17)
“1.) Problem: “Keep from the evil one.”
“2.) Solution: “Sanctify them in truth.”
“3.) Action: “Your word is the truth.” (It brings life)
“”Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law.” (Ps. 199:18)
“* Your Word brings life. – Ps. 119:25
“”Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.” (Ps. 119:36-37)
“* I can hope in Your word. -Ps. 119:49
“>>> “This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.”
