This has been one of the hardest seasons of months of my life. And some of you may not even know where I am or what I am doing-sorry about that! Let me catch you a little! I moved back to Albemarle to live with my family as I am pursing a Masters of Human Services Counseling; Marriage and Family Therapy degree. I began working part-time at Pizza Hut when I first moved home for the first six months. That drained the life out of me and I ended up quitting. In the meantime I had a lot of desires to do with the church, but felt like between my classes and my job, I had no time and no energy. Since quitting I have been able to write a months’ worth of devotions for the church for a SexEd series. You can read them here. I have been able to help with youth events, youth community groups, a book study for women who are of youth age, help with the children on Sunday mornings, and have been able to babysit some here and there. I have also been able to do spend more time visiting family and do some traveling. These things are life giving to me. So there is a recap of the past eight months or so!
Let me get back to my point of this being one of the hardest seasons of my life. I have felt this constant pull between the Lord’s voice and the world’s voice. In many ways I feel like I am just wandering through a desert to an unknown promise land. I have felt like God has led me into this desert. I believe there is a promise in it all. But I find myself asking “why am I in Albemarle?”, “what am I going to do once I am finished with my masters?”, “what is God’s plan for me and marriage?” “Is God going to take me back to China?”, “And if so, how will I get there? Where will I go? What will I do? Will I have to fundraise?” “Should I sell all my possessions?” “What am I going to do about insurance?” and the list continues. These are the questions I am wondering while I feel like I am wandering.
And as these thoughts are flooding my mind, I can just hear my Father telling me to just s-t-o-p. He reminds me of his clarify and of his faithfulness in my life. He reminds me that He has never left me in need, and above that, He has never left me and He never will! He reminds me that I am not supposed to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:25-24, James 4:13-15). I am reminded of Jesus calling his disciples where he tells them to drop their nets and to follow him. They were to stop working, they were no longer to live their lives focused on caring for themselves, but they were to live their lives focused on the cares of the Lord.
And most recently I am reminded of the Israelites in the wilderness for 40 years. They might have wondered why they were “wandering”. God did not take them there to “wander”. He did take them there to solidify His Name over them. He took them there to give them His law, to show them how to live. He took them there so they could learn to daily follow His Spirit (literally and spiritually). He took them there so they could learn that God desires to provide us with everything we need (our food and our clothing and our resting place).
This past week I really felt like the Lord was telling me that I was made to be completely cared for by Him. As a Father, as a Bridegroom, and as a King He desires to provide everything for me. He desires that I trust Him, that I submit to Him and that I thank Him. He does not want me to thank Him for the gift, but He wants me to thank Him for His heart that is behind the gift. I want to be a daughter who fully trusts and who learns discipline and compassion. I don’t want to worry about what the world is telling me to do, only what my Father is telling me to do.
I am thankful that I do not have to wonder if God is in control, because I know He is and I know that’s the role He desires to hold. I am thankful that I am wandering in this season. He has called me to this season and I can find him in this season and I can trust Him that He above all else know how to steward His time with us!
