Yes, it is true. In middle school, my room was covered with pictures of Ashton Kutcher. But I’m over that. However, during middle school the movie “The Butterfly Effect” came out and I couldn’t help but think about it recently.
While I was on my second train ride in China of 20 hours (better than the first 36 hours) I thought about this movie. I was thinking about going home and sharing my experiences with others. I began to freak out a bit with a feeling of anxiety. I felt overwhelmed of how I will even try to express what I have done and seen these past 11 months in 11 countries. It has all become very normal to me, but I am aware it is not exactly normal. The things I have learned and experienced are all real, deep things that will forever shape my life, but I haven’t a clue how to express them to others.
This is when I began thinking about Ashton’s character in the movie. His character continues to go back in time to flashbacks and he is able to relive those times and change those times causing his decisions to change the future. So once he changes the past he awakes in a different future: different relationships, different living situations, and different dreams. The reality that he experienced before he changed it is only known by him. In a way it seems as if it were all a dream.
I anticipate feeling this way. I may feel like what I experienced never happened, like Ashton’s family and friend’s never experienced what he experienced. I am returning back to my wonderful family and friends and town in the same time of year that I left them. Everything is going to fall back into place, but I am going to be different. The way I feel or see things may be indescribable or not understood. It may feel like my whole World Race experience never happened.
(A photo of us this past month in the Philippines of us after carrying tons of sand to lay cement for this precious family. The mom couldn’t stop crying with gratitude. Photo credit: Brent Acker)
However, it did happen and I will do my best to adjust back and process everything well and share what people may want to hear. But I have been warned that reverse culture-shock and re-entry are real things. They may be hard and they may take some time. So I wanted to write this so friends and family will know a bit of where my head and heart are. I have no idea how I will feel or act in 5 days when I return home. There is a chance I will be speechless, I may cry feeling overwhelmed by choices in the grocery store, or decline looking at an extensive menu for quite some time because I don’t know who to choose what I want or even care as long as it satisfies my hunger. I may drive with too much caution, I may forget that it’s acceptable to shower or put on clean clothes after days and days or to wash cloths in the washing machine; or I may feel weird going anywhere by myself. I may still speak up every time I see a cute baby and try to hold it. I may comment on people around me forgetting that now they understand me. I could go on, but I will stop.
(holding a baby in Africa and eating bowza in China)
I hope and pray my behaviors, words or lack of words do not come off as rude or proud or intolerable, that is not my heart. And I apologize in advance for any strange behaviors or unpredicted crying, but I will assure you that my soul is well. And God is faithful!
(this is where we lived in the Philippines! gorgeous!)
