In my life I’ve always been one to focus on the things that haven’t gone as I planned. I’ve imagined my mistakes following me around like a giant rain cloud. I have drowned myself in the replays of scenarios and tried to live up to unrealistic expectations I had for myself. I prayed continually but I found myself asking for constant forgiveness instead of having a genuine relationship. I’ve continually felt like I was never meeting that mark.
Training was many things to me. One night after service one of our mentors pulled me aside after service. She told me that she felt like she needed to tell me that the Lord was gently waiting for me to fully embrace Him. She told me He is not a porcupine but a teddy bear.
That was the perfect explanation of the way I viewed God. I think about a child with their teddy bear. They hold onto it for comfort. They cling to it in fear. The bear has a front row seat to their greatest adventures and accomplishments.
I finally had the moment. The moment I realized that God sent his son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for all of us who could never meet the mark.
The story I have heard since I can remember finally took a new meaning. The burdens I carried and the struggles I had finally surfaced. The emotions that came with it were raw. I was finally able to see how the Father was in every hurt and difficulty that I have been through and how each moment has placed me here.
Here about to embark on an 11-month mission. I’ve learned that you can’t truly walk in the light if you are standing in the shadows of your shame and mistakes. So I’ve made a few choices. I’ve chosen to see myself as a saint, not just a sinner. I’ve chosen to use what God has given me to further His Kingdom. I’ve chosen to not let the rain cloud of doubt and sin hover any longer. I’ve chosen to embrace the Lord like a teddy bear with faith like a child.
“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16
So if any of you think like me…when we see ourselves as unworthy, we take away what Christ did on the cross. The Lord shows me each day that it is okay to be broken. It opens up space for Him to create something beautiful. I can’t wait to experience more of the Father. Time feels as if it is speeding up. These last days are going by so quickly so I’m doing my best to be present where I am each day. With that being said, I would love to see you and hug ya before I leave…you just can’t get or give too many hugs!
Fundraising Update: Fully Funded is getting closer and closer! I am just over 75% funded, which is something to be thankful for! Please join me in praying that the Lord would continue to provide all of my financial needs!
