That Feeling of “OHH CRAP”

Sitting here in the kitchen waiting for food to be done, it hits me.  This moment, this month, this year just hit me.  I have been waiting for so long to be on the Race and I am here, I am living the Race right now.  The feeling of "oh crap" just swirled around in my stomach.  I have no idea what I am doing right now, no idea why I ever wanted to do this for a year.  For a year.  Living with complete strangers only to love them so much and so big.  Looking at my legs and thinking that I have the plague due to all the bug bites only every one else's legs seem to be in worse condition.  Having no space what so ever for myself.  I just want to have some time alone…completely alone not hearing anyone's voice.  But I can't have that right now.  I won't be able to have that for 10 more months.  Oh Crap.  The moment where I realize that this race isn't about me.  This race isn't about my comfort, isn't about my growth, isn't about my legs, isn't about my space.  This race is about Jesus Christ.  Literally living in surrender and sacrifice for a year for the love of Jesus Christ.  But why do I look at sacrifice and surrender for only a year?  Shouldn't this be my everyday life?  Why would I have to go all across the world to live for Jesus Christ?  Why is it so hard to rely on Him back at home?  I am blessed, blessed to be an Americana even as the Dominican's yell that at me as I walk down the street.  Blessed to know that back at home I have friends, family, and a boyfriend waiting on me to return.  Just waiting, and praying for me.  I am blessed that God chose me to go on the Race.  He wants to use me, mold me, and create in me a clean heart.  But this isn't easy, and I don't think it is suppose to be.  It's not that I am struggling in a great way….but I want pretty legs!!  I want to not have an oily face all day, I want to sleep in peace and quiet.  I want, I want, I want.  

 

But in all this wanting, I have joy!  Like an unending type of joy!  A joy from the inside screaming to come out!  Out of all this uncomfort and wanting, I realized that all I want is for the kingdom of God to be radiating out of me and into the hearts those that I meet.  That is literally all I care about.  Don't get me wrong, I get frustrated and even mad at times.  Because I am human and I am spoiled and I really can't see how I am going to make it this year.  BUT the grace of God is going to carry me each day and each month.  And that is worth the ugly legs and nappy hair….even though my hair is always nappy.  I love my nappy hair.  I love the Dominican Republic. I love the fact that I am leaving tomorrow to go to Haiti.  I love the loud people on my squad..including myself.  I love that God is love.  I love I love I love.  Therefore I go I go I go.  I won't rest until the Kingdom of God is being brought, to every nation I go to.