I sat on my bed, Patricia and Molly were sorting clothes and journaling. I had just bought a new journal, because I finished a whole journal for the first time, and I was encouraged to buy a journal without lines. I’m not huge on keeping a journal; before the Race, I kept a journal for my trips to Kenya and Costa Rica, but not much outside of that. When I do journal, I love lines. I love keeping my sentences in straight lines and keeping everything structured in my journal.
The journal I bought has no lines, and as I sat on my bed with my pencil in my hand trying to write in my journal for a good 5 minutes before feeling silly so I put it down. This happened three or four times before I finally gave up on trying to journal for the day.
I felt so embarrassed because I couldn’t journal, even thought I knew what I wanted to put down on the page. I was so afraid of messing up my journal, even in pencil when I can erase it. Little did I know, God was going to show me something about myself through this journal that I wasn’t very fond of.
I wouldn’t call myself a perfectionist. I don’t have to have every detail in my life neat and tidy (in fact, you should see my area in my room this month. Sorry mom!). I don’t have to have perfect grades in all my classes. I don’t dress perfectly (especially on the Race. I have a few jackets that still belong in the 90’s). But I do hold myself to a perfect standard that I cannot reach:
I have to make sure everyone is happy.
I can’t burden anyone with things that I struggle with.
I have to be the best version of Catie for everyone around me.
I don’t want to acknowledge that God sees every piece of my heart, especially the parts that doubt.
I start the day knowing that I’m not perfect, but believing I’m a failure because I can’t live up to my unreachable standards.
Jesus is showing me that just because I don’t reach my standards, doesn’t mean I’m a failure. Jesus doesn’t put those standards on us. In fact, He takes away the chains of those standards. Jesus came to fulfill the law so that we don’t have to live in slavery to living up to the law.
I was reading through Mark the other day, and I got to Mark 5:35, which is the story about Jairus, a synagogue leader, and his daughter who was ill, and then passed away. Jesus went to the leader’s house and took the daughter by her hand and said, “Talitha koum,” which means, “Little girl, I say to you, arise.”
Jesus see’s me, takes me by the hand and says to me arise, to let go of my perfect standards for myself, let go of structure, let go of the bitterness, and to stop running from Him. Jesus is inviting me to grab His hand and walk beside Him through this journey.
The next day, I woke up early, grabbed my Bible, journal, and headphones. I plugged in to listen to Hillsong’s Of Dirt and Grace album, and then I started writing. I didn’t write in straight lines, and I actually wrote sideways on the page. I wrote knowing that it’s ok not to have perfect lines, there are no rules of how I write in my journal. As long as I take what’s in my heart and transfer it onto the blank page, I’m not messing up at all.
I’m not perfect, but I am not a failure.
Failure is an event, not a person.
I don’t have to live in fear of not meeting the standard I’ve placed upon myself.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” ~ 1 John 4:18
