When people first find out about the World Race their first question is usually, “Oooh where are you going?” or something to that effect. So, I answer, “India, Nepal, Malaysia, Indonesia, Australia, South Africa, Swaziland, Mozambique, Romania, Ukraine and Ireland.” But, there is a part of me that wants to answer, “Where am I going? To the land of the unknown.”
I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has called me to walk away from the path I foolishly think I’ve been in control of so far. There is nothing in my life that I haven’t tried to shove into a concrete box. My friends, my schedule, my work, my time, the way I organize things in my living space and the list goes on and on. Adventurous is not my middle name. Neither is flexible. I mean, I can be flexible, in fact I’ve gotten better throughout the years, but it’s not without a painful struggle that I let go and let God.
Right now it’s safe to say that my thoughts are consumed with World Race planning. So many things to buy – tent, sleeping bag, sleeping pad, sleeping bag liner, headlamp, backpack etc etc. So many things to decide – What vaccines should I get? What kind of clothes should I pack? Should I invest in a laptop? Who should I leave in charge of my condo? Who is going to do my taxes? etc etc. So many things that I worry about – With a small back problem will I be able to tolerate really long travel times? Am I going to gain weight eating so many carbs? Will I be able to find work when I return? Can I really save enough cash in 8 paychecks to last me the next 16 months? Will I be able to sell my car? etc etc.
In the past, I may have worried about stuff but I always felt like my carefully planned out decisions couldn’t fail me. I’m a planner by nature. I like to organize myself, my thoughts and my future plans. Everything in its place. But right now, before The World Race, I find myself second guessing every single desicion I have to make. I find that I can’t find the “perfect” solution to anything. The things I have to buy I can’t seem to figure out and then I make a choice and I immediately regret it. I bought a sleeping pad and then realized it was too heavy and not wide enough. I bought a sleeping bag and realized it didn’t compress small enough to fit inside of my backpack. Both items had to get sold on eBay for a loss. I’ve spent days thinking about a water bottle. Plastic or stainless steel? With or without a spout? Would I really spend $21.99 on a water bottle? But, this will be my only water bottle for a year? I’m going out of my mind trying to come up with the best desicions for a million details…small and large. Being so unsure about everything leaves me feeling helpless and scared. And the worst part is….this is only the beginning. Once I leave the U.S I will spend 2011 truly in the land of the unknown. And, this experience is so new that I don’t have anything to compare it to. That’s scary. The plans for where we are going is tentative so I feel like I can’t 100% plan for climate and culture. That’s scary. I won’t know what type of ministry we are doing until we arrive at our destinations. That’s scary. The land of the unknown.
For the first time in my life I can’t easily force the big things nor the tiny details into safe, concrete boxes. I am having to relinquish my death grip on life, look up to the heavens and say, “You know what Lord? I guess You can take over now.” The land of the unknown is not known to me but it is known to Him. I don’t know it. I can’t map it out. I can’t look up travel reviews. I can’t force the land of the unknown to treat me kindly or be gentle to me. But God knows the land of the unknown intimately. He knows me intimately. So what am I so worried about?
I don’t know what I will be doing, saying or feeling in a year but one thing is for sure…I am going to find the Cathy Ramirez that shines Jesus more in that land of the unknown. And I can’t wait to meet her.
“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
