Two and a half months. That’s how long I’ve been having a pity party for myself. That’s a long party. This party includes not wanting to see people, not wanting to go to church, saying things like “No one understands”, and “No one really cares anyways”. All sorts of positive energy. I didn’t realize it was as bad as it was until the other night. I had just spent some time with Jesus, and I was folding laundry. All the sudden I realized I felt normal. I hadn’t felt normal since I’d been home. I can’t even really describe what it felt like, but it lasted for a short 30 minutes. Then all the sudden the heaviness was back. The desire to do nothing was back. I wasn’t normal anymore…I was back at the neverending party of pity.
So how did I get myself in this state? I have no idea. Some bad reaction from returning home from the Race I guess. After I got home I was thrown into wedding plans/preparation for my sister. Her wedding was the week before Christmas. So after the wedding, was Christmas, then there was the process of moving out of the study and into my sister’s old room upstairs, then I returned to work. I never really had any time to rest and recover from the last year. In fact sitting still for too long would drive me crazy. I HAD to be doing something for someone or I was just wasting time.
Returning to church was interesting. Church was one of the places that I missed the most when I was gone. I couldn’t wait to be back there. But of course, it was different. It was growing – there were new faces everywhere. I hardly knew anyone anymore. And the sermons..geez those sermons. Every Sunday I would leave service feeling horrible and would quietly disappear to my room to cry away most of the day. Emotions, feelings that I had kept bottled up were finally starting to come out.
Not only were these emotions coming out as a result of church, but in my dreams as well. I began having incredibly vivid dreams, usually about my trip. And usually they ended up being nightmares – leaving me awake for half of the night thinking or praying about what I just dreamt. I didn’t want to see people or talk to them about anything I was going through. Not my family, not my friends. I wanted to be left alone.
Then there was work. Pretty much immediately after returning to my full time job as a software engineer I began feeling my joy being stolen from me. I like to say the computer sucks my soul. 8 hours a day of getting your soul sucked is absolutely exhausting! I leave work feeling physically exhausted like I had just been beat up all day. I just want to go to bed as soon as I get home.
Now don’t get me wrong, I really am trying. I go out with friends and spend time with family, and I laugh and I have a good time. But even through the laughing and fun, the heaviness is always there. I can’t really just be myself anymore. But the weirdest part is that me and Jesus are fine. We’re actually better than ever. I love spending time with Him because He understands, He gets it. He just holds me and tells me it’s all OK. I can go to Him with everything from a miserable day, and He just holds me and listens. And of course He gives me some insight as well.
The other night I was spending time with Jesus and we were talking about my future. He asked me what I enjoyed doing. And I said I love helping people, loving people, and showing people You. And he said Ok do that then. There He is being all smart again! He gave me these scriptures to remind me of the purpose for my life:
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. –1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. -James 1:27
So that’s it. I’m called to be an advocate. I’m called to fight injustice. I’m called to stand up for what’s right when no one else does. I’m called to give a voice to those with no voices. I’m called to go. I’m called to love. I’m called to be different. So what does that mean for me? Right now I’m not sure. But something is going to change very soon because this life I’m living is not what I’m called to. I’m called to something so much bigger. I can’t wait to see what that is and where it takes me. The pity party is still happening right now…it’s kind of a hard thing to break free of. But I know God has something for me very soon…I can feel it. I can taste it. It’s right within my reach. I’ll let you know what that is as soon as He lets me know. Thanks for all your prayers and support – especially during these darks days of the pity party.
