Hey y’all!
Its been a while so here’s an update:
–I only have 28 days left on the field:((( I’m having very mixed emotions about this.
–The Philippines are still amazing!
–Its going to be hard leaving these relationships that have been built.
–Recently, me and my friend Ky have taken over a bible study here with college girls who are sponsored by the ministry. Its going really great and the girls are incredible!!
–I’ve unfortunately starting having issues with my back so any prayers would be appreciated so so much!!!
sooooooooooooooooooo, I started a book.
I for one am not a huge book reader, but I decided to pick one up the other day called,”Nothing to Prove”, by Jennie Allen. Its actually funny that I choose this one out of a whole pile of books because it couldn’t be more suitable for this season of my life. Its all about how the Author, Jennie, was literally drowning in her need to strive to be enough. She had everything she could ever want. A wonderful family, husband, beautiful children, an organization that was growing rapidly. It seemed perfect on the outside looking in, but she woke up constantly fighting to prove to the voice inside her head screaming, “You’re not enough”, that she was and she was striving for that every single day. It affected who she was. It exhausted her and drained her.
_____________________________________________________
Let’s talk about fear.
Fear is totally real it is has had a HUGE foothold on my life, even as a child. With this being true, duh the enemy used fear as his way to seep into my life.
Just like Jennie, I’ve always had that awful voice in my head constantly reminding me that I was not enough and I will never be enough for anyone.
*fear of letting others down.
*constant pressure.
*fear of failing.
*fear of not being knowledgeable enough.
*fear of not being good enough for God.
*fear of not being good enough for those He loves.
*fear of not being able to live up to the expectations everyone has of me.
*fear that being myself isn’t good enough. I have to change.
These thoughts can go on and on, but these thoughts are the chains I’ve always had that have made me a prisoner in my own mind. I kept all these inadequacies to myself in hopes of one day being able to prove myself. These fears pushed me to strive. I began striving to please others. I strived to at least seem to be okay on the outside.
Each and everyday I woke up with this same goal.
STRIVE.
Make everyone happy.
Prove to everyone you’re enough no matter what it takes.
Day after day, week after week, year after year, this goal became a life of striving. Sometimes I couldn’t differenciate “myself” from what this “striving” had made me. It all kinda blurred together because trying to prove myself as enough became a lifestyle. The best way to describe how I felt is in something Jennie Allen wrote,
“Within me, for most of my life, would live a theory that I assumed was a fact: It was possible you arrive at a destination where I finally prove myself. I would arrive at the line marking the place where I finally measured up to my family, my peers, my God, and my own expectations. But like the mirage in the desert, every time I thought I finally was closing in, the line backed itself up.”
There was always this far off finish line as a constant reminder of not being enough.
_________________________________________________
Recently I found myself in the midst of striving. Trying to make decisions for my future since only having ONE MONTH LEFT (not okay with this). I’ve found myself stuck right between pleasing the people around me and pleasing God. This should not even be a question whether to please man or please God, but I found myself wrestling with with this and it was actually destroying me for a moment. All the pressure that I feel daily felt as if it had just magnified x60.
I broke down.
Found myself crippling underneath these burdens and inadequacies I had been carrying for far too long. Pretending to be enough.
I’m not enough and I’m done trying.
“I want to be good enough to lead this thing. Want to be enough for God, for you. And that’s my sin. Deep down, I want to be enough. I don’t want to keep needing God.
I’m realizing it’s not my curse that I believe I am not enough; It’s my sin that I keep trying to be.” -Jennie Allen
“We strive to be seen, to be known, to matter. We’re desperate to believe we are doing a good job at whatever has been entrusted to us.
But we are not enough. We are not God. We don’t have all the answers all the wisdom, all the strength, all the energy. We are finite, sinful beings. And that is okay.
In fact, it is the confession that unleashes the freedom we are achieving for.” -Jennie Allen
I’ve found myself on a stage. Feeling as if I have to put on a performance. I thought my one man show would one day be enough. Truth is, it will never be enough. I alone will never be enough. If I live the rest of my life striving for impossible goals to prove myself, I will forever have an unreachable finish line taunting me.
I can’t do this on my own. I need God. I may not be enough, but God is. Life is enough with Him.
Nothing in my life has changed. I still have burdens. I still have hard decisions. I still will have struggles. None of these things have gone away, but the weight of them have. I don’t have to carry these burdens anymore because the Lord wants do that for me and walk along side me through it. It’s freeing. Im free of the the fear of expectaions and pressures. I’m not enough, but God is and thats enough for me.
