this blog is a lengthy one, but the Lord works like that sometimes
i’ve experienced God in so many different ways while being in this season. ways i thought weren’t even attainable. the Lord has endless ways of revealing himself & wednesday night i got a good taste of what that can look like
during dinner that night i had a one on one with jewel (our squad leader) & i honestly just broke down in front of her. which doesn’t surprise me because that kind of happens a lot here… as we sat on the sharp white rocks i began to reflect on my life. that week leading up to this, me and my squad had the opportunity to serve in Louisiana where a lot happened and left me feeling emotional. it was a type of emotion that i wasn’t sure where it was coming from. as i began to externally process, out of nowhere i broke down about feeling like i couldn’t hear the Lord and finding it hard to feel him. that night, our squad had a sunset worship planned for us in the field by the mailbox. jewel and i began to walk up the long dreaded hill toward the field, still chatting on the way there. as we were talking she asked me two questions:
- what does the gospel mean for me personally? (if i was the only one standing before Jesus on the cross, what would that mean for me)
- how do i feel most loved by people?
we talked about those questions until we got up to the field. jewel prayed over me before we began to worship, that the Lord would simply come over me and make his presence known and that i would know what it means to be his daughter. here’s where it gets crazy…
we started worship and the first song that played was “voice of God” by Dante Bowe. please give it a listen if you haven’t heard it. it’s honestly such a powerful song. anyways, that song came on and it started talking about hearing the voice of the Lord. like what! exactly what i’ve been fighting to understand… worship for me has been a concept of breaking down walls and diving into a sense of freedom. when i’m in the presence of the Lord, i like to sit on my knees, which has become a new comfort for me. but bowing down before the Lord always scared me because i’m honestly an insecure person and afraid of what people will think. which is something so stupid & i’ll say it, but i’m working on that. I knew in that moment that i had to surrender those insecurities, and bow at his feet.
I bowed in His presence and began to sob. I cried out to Him “here my cries. I want to feel you and know what it means to be your daughter” I stayed down for a while and just cried while listening to the praises around me. I eventually got up and began to walk aimlessly. i wandered a fair distance away from the group and turned back to look at everyone. the view i had was unlike anything. arms stretched wide, voices loud under a painted sky. “look at your children Lord, they’re calling out to you. see them father. hear their praises” i said with the biggest smile on my face. I continued to walk around, embracing the sweetness of this time with the father. I began to dance around a bit, almost as if no one was watching (i was wrong). I eventually found myself back around the same area i started in, closer to the squad but still a fair distance away facing the trees. i kind of just stood there for a while, but then felt this sense come over me. during this whole worship time, I felt something telling me to open my arms out to the side and release praise. I didn’t want to because again, i was afraid of what people would think. but before I knew it, my hands were stretched out. hands open, with an overwhelming sense of freedom.
worship ended and i grabbed my stuff to head back up to the SMP for team time when my sweet friend Gretchen came running towards me. to be honest i was pretty confused because the look on her face was so eager to tell me something. but she had no idea that what she was about to say would bring me to tears.
she began to tell me this vision she had during worship. heres the thing, i’ve heard stories about this before about racers having visions for other people and thought how it would be so cool to experience that but at the same time being pretty skeptical about it. her vision was this:
as i was bent over bowing before the Lord, crying out to Him, she saw Jesus come over me and cover me with his hands. later on when i was walking/dancing around she saw him dancing around with me in the middle of the field. lastly, when i had my hands reached out, she said that Jesus was standing right next to me in the same posture worshipping with me.
when she told me this is stopped walking and fell into her arms and cried. what just happened… i was in shock honestly. I still am. we kept walking while holding each others arms, just talking about what happened. i need to number these so i don’t loose track of everything that was running through my mind
1. as i was on my knees bowing before the lord literally crying out to Him “i just want to feel you” gretchen saw his hands on me. that alone gave me chills. today as i’m writing this, i was reminded of a verse in psalms 18 which reads
6 “In my distress i called upon the Lord;
to my God i cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice,
and my cry to him reached his ears. “
2. I was so afraid of what people would think if i reached my arms out beside me, but he came right beside me in the same posture
3. a couple weeks ago during a women’s retreat, i found my hiding place with the Lord. to keep it intimate with me and the father, ill give a brief picture. me and the Lord are running around and dancing in a field together. thats exactly what gretchen saw that night. me and the father dancing around together in an open field
4. last but not least it brought me back to the question jewel asked me before worship. “how do you feel most loved by people” to which i answered: when someone just shows up for me. when they come beside me and don’t expect anything from me except to be in each others presence. thats exactly what the lord does. he comes to us without expectations of how we are supposed to be. he came and sat next to me that night. he didn’t expect me to bow or raise my arms, but i did because i felt his presence and that was my way of acknowledging him
once we made it back to the SMP, the first thing that i wanted to do before doing anything else was to share what had just happened with my team. the whole time i was sharing i had the stupidest smile on my face. my team said they could see the joy radiating from me and i believe it
as i write this, i’m hesitant to share. i’m hesitant because i know that not everyone is going to react the same way i did. in fact, i’m sure some of you are thinking to yourself “this girl is crazy for believing that was actually the Lord” and to that i would say thats ok. you don’t have to agree with me. but thats the beauty in all of this. the Lord can reveal himself in so many different ways, and like i said in the beginning he has revealed himself in ways i didn’t think were possible. he could of chosen another way to reveal himself, but he knew the desire of MY heart and knew what i needed best. I think this whole sequence of events shows the perfection of Gods timing. it almost just doesn’t make sense to think that what happened isn’t true. i’m still in awe of what happened and writing this gave me a rush of the same emotions that i had that night.
