I slept on the floor the night before we left, with nothing but my clothes and a pillow. something that might seem strange to someone looking in but honestly is a new normal. a normal that’s not, well… normal. eager to get home and see my people, I didn’t even think twice about it. had it really already been 3 months?
81 days ago I was crying my eyes out in a tent in the middle of nowhere Georgia, not knowing what I was about to experience. if only I knew how much the Lord was about to reveal to me in just 3 short months. if you asked me what Ive learned since leaving all those weeks ago, I wouldn’t be able to tell you only one thing. in fact it would TAKE me 81 days to even explain a fraction of the things He has shown me. isn’t it crazy to think that there’s this Father, who even before you knew yourself, knew everything about your life? every breath you’d take. every tear you’d shed. every laugh you’d laugh. every step you’d take away, yet closer at the same time. its impossible to comprehend because if you could, well, I think your brain might explode. or you just might fall on your face and stay there for a while. that’s the thing about Him. a mystery without secret. chasing you without moving. an unshakeable love beyond comprehension. I could sit here and try to come up with a thousand analogies to try and paint this picture in your mind of just exactly who He is. but I don’t have to. I don’t need to. its simple, and its only four letters.
love.
He is love. a perfect love, so perfect that you don’t have to do anything to earn it. love wrapped up in a beautiful bond of nothing but Him.
I tried to fight this for so long. “His love could never satisfy like the world”. I can try and make up my own version of a perfect life. clawing at this idea that I know what’s best. that those clothes will get me attention, that post will disguise the real me, those friends will fill that loneliness, all concepts of a materialistic love. but His love is far from that. you see, at some point all those things I considered fulfilling, left a bigger desperation. holding on so tightly that when I let go it hurt. but thats the thing. I was ok with the hurt. because the love I fell into was something that I could sit here and try to describe, but could only be understood when you find it too.
but is He enough. is he enough if I never get married. is He enough if people I love never find Him. if the world hates me for the way I live. if one day its harder to feel you than the last. if I loose everything. if all I have is you. are you still enough?
you are still enough for me.
it was 4:30am and I had woken up before my alarm. we gave lots of see you soon hugs the night before and the morning of. “see you in 10 days”… our flight left at 9 but it takes an hour to get to the airport and then there’s security and checking bags, you know the drill. we headed to the top of the drive, up to the mailbox. the night before we had scheduled an uber to pick us up, but to our surprise it never showed up. I mean who orders an uber at 5am in the middle of nowhere Georgia in the first place? after lots of calls, disappointment, and stress, our friend came to the rescue. He drove us all the way to the airport with plenty of time to spare. we said our final goodbyes and dramatic waves across the airport. before I knew it we were back in Texas. yeehaw… I mean it was only for 10 days right?
hey you know that pandemic we’ve been In for ages now? yeah that one. after living in the woods for 3 months you kind of forget about the real world. not for long though because ms.rona finally caught up to us. after lots of “I have symptoms” and “I’m getting tested” to “I’m positive” the frustration began to hit. the only thing that could make things worse was seeing AIMS name in our inboxes… that didn’t last for long. 10 days turned into 6 weeks. 6 more weeks that I didn’t plan on being home. being away from my new family after expecting only 10 days… this might seem rather drama, and to that you’re probably right. but the thing is I thought we were taking a left turn, but the Lord was taking a right. let me get to my point here. that’s the thing. I had expectations for the way things were “supposed” to go. my plans might be inconsistent, but He never is. consistent in the inconsistent. I mean, I’m sitting here on my hardwood floor at 1am with no ability to taste or smell and a dull headache that might make me go insane. but I wouldnt have it any other way.
so whether its 10 more days, 10 more weeks, or 10000 years, I will follow you straight into the unknown. there’s so much beauty in not knowing what’s coming next because I know wherever you take me, you’re right by my side. I mean, I do kind of like a little mystery…
“its only 37 days”
