I’ve been on the race for almost 2 months now. 2 months has given me a lot of time to evaluate the parts of myself that need growth. I want to share what has been challenging me lately:
I never thought of my passion as a gift. I never thought of my passion as a curse. I always just thought of it as something that made up me. That is if I even chose to recognize it at all. My passion is just a part of me. I don’t try to hide it. I don’t try to bring it to light. I just live my life and my passion decides when it will surface. And lately that’s been often. I am passionate. There’s no denying it. Squad leaders, team leaders, and squamates have recognized my intense passion and have intentionally brought it to light. The hardest feedback I have received has been about my passion.
I have been told my passion is a true gift. That this fire inside me gives me the ability and strength to fight for things I believe in. That my strong emotion automatically invites others into the joy that I feel in the midst of my passion. That my passion brings life to those around me. That I have influence. That I can make people feel what I am passionate about just by being passionate about everything. That the compassion I have for every living thing gives me the ability to deeply empathize and connect with others.
But my passion is also a wildfire. It is something I can barely control. It controls me. And by not containing my passion in a situation that needs containment, I can start a wildfire. And it spreads to those around me. And it can bring death. My passion can automatically invite others into my joy, or it can invite others into my negativity. I feel stressed and those around me feel stressed. I feel too passionate about a topic and I come off as aggressive. I feel things so deeply, yet sometimes wish I didn’t.
So my passion is a positive thing. But my passion is also a negative thing?
How can my passion be good but then bad? I can’t pick and choose. I can’t choose to be passionate about the good things but take out my passion when it comes to the bad. It doesn’t work like that. I don’t want to stop expressing my feelings in the hard things out of fear I will be too passionate. I wouldn’t be me. But I can’t sit silently and pretend I don’t feel the things I feel. And nobody is asking me to do that. My friends want my vulnerability. But I can’t continue to display my emotions in a way that causes others to take a step back. So what now?
Uninhibitedly passionate. I want this. This is who I already am. But is this right? How can I change something that is so deeply rooted in my making?
I don’t need to change. I need to channel. I am aware when and why my emotions are prominent, I just need to find a healthy outlet to channel my passion. I can utilize this gift I have been bestowed to create purpose and positive change. It is just a growing process.
I don’t want to put my passion in a box. My challenge: Learning how to steward the gift that God has given me in a way that brings life to those around me.
Updates: I leave for Peru in less than a week!!! Wow time has gone quick. Each day feels like a week and each week feels like a day. Continuing to push myself to live in the now and be present. Fundraising: I need help! With processing donations I have met my deadline for this month. PRAISE. I still need to raise $1,000 over the next month to stay on the World Race. I really can’t do this on my own and need all the help I can get. If you have friends or family who you think might like to support what I’m doing, send my blog link their way! Can’t wait for this next month of amazing changes and growth. Excited to share about Peru soon!
XOXO, Cat
