I have so many thoughts. Things that inspire me. Life inspires me. Every moment. The good, the bad, the exhilarating, the rough seasons, the magical nights I want to relive over and over again. Sometimes I wish I could just share my memories with you. That you could see exactly what I am trying to get across to you through this screen. Cause I don’t know how to put life on the world race into words. I don’t know how to make a beautiful moment a story. It was just a beautiful exhilarating moment that is now a memory and make up all the other memories in my head that all contribute to who I am today. But it was beautiful. And it was magical. And I treasure it. So deeply. I don’t know how to write out the pain of loss, and transition, and the fight to stay present and appreciate every moment but also prepare myself for the future to come. But this is all happening.
My brain moves a million miles a minute. I have so many ideas, so many thoughts and so often I want to share them. I have pages of blog ideas, one sentence thoughts that sparked an idea in my head, but have been left incomplete because I can’t seem to transform that thought into a full blog. When I sit down to write it out, I don’t know how. How do I transform these thoughts in my head, these memories I’m holding onto, and type them out? It’s a memory. A one sentence thought.
With the fact that I am going home so soon, to people who want to hear all about the past 9 months of my life, there is a newfound pressure that has crept up. A pressure inside myself to make sure that especially in the few months before going home, I am candidly sharing how I am doing, what my life is really like. To never post a blog unless it is coming across exactly how I want. There is such a disconnect between what people think the race is like vs. what it is actually like. It’s inevitable. Sometimes shared experience is truly where full connection and understanding is cultivated. And I know it may not make sense, it’s for sure not logical, but somehow I put it on myself to try to lessen this disconnect. All of this has led to a lot of unnecessary pressure, and blogging became basically a job that I didn’t like, but felt like I had to do. I lost a lot of my inspiration and excitement that I once had. I would sit down and try to write, and nothing would happen.
This goes beyond a fear of not being good enough. A fear of imperfection. This goes beyond a lack of vulnerability. This goes beyond slothfulness with blogging. Yes, those are all factors. But this is me being stuck. Reaching a wall with blogging and wondering how to move forward. How do I do this? I have sooooo many things I want to share. I love to journal. It’s easy for me to write when I’m writing just for myself. Why is writing a blog any different?
It shouldn’t be.
It shouldn’t be any different. And that’s the realization I came to. Maybe 7 months too late, but also 60+ years early. It’s not too late. Not even close.
So I came to a decision. I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna start sharing these little thoughts. And sharing the magical and ugly moments that make up this crazy life. Even if it means just sharing a few sentences. I’m okay with my blogs not being long well written passages. I just want to connect and share more with you guys! To let you in on things that I experience on the daily basis. Blogging is a platform, it is a way to reach people, it is an invitation for others to walk alongside me on this journey. But it is also a memory book. A thing for me to look back on the most wonderful and empowering season of my life thus far and just reflect. To laugh and cry and remember all that I have been blessed with.
Can’t wait to share some of the memories I’ve been holding onto that I’m ready to give away.
Who knows if google will exist when I’m 70, or if this will even still be up, but hey future me. These memories, look back on them. Cherish them. Don’t let them fade away. You were loved. More than you knew. Your teen years were spent living a beautiful, painful, emotional, crazy reckless life for Jesus. And every single moment was worth it.
XOXO, Cat
