It took me 8 months to write this first blog post. 8 months is a long time. I’m scared to post this. But the World Race calls us to be vulnerable and step outside our comfort zone. It has been a challenge. So I want to challenge myself even more and start off my blog by sharing something about myself that has really been weighing on my heart lately. My fears.
I have a big fear of vulnerability. I hold this close to my heart. This fear has stopped me from hitting the upload button when I feel called to share something I wrote. It’s the fear I’ll never truly be known by others. To an extent. Then it morphs into this fear of being deeply known. I am only human. I desperately long for others to intentionally seek my heart, to listen to my story, to invest in caring about me. To know me. Yet this scares me more than anything. It causes me to run; to run from meaningful relationships, and run back to comfort and safety where others do not have to see my brokenness. But is it possible to be afraid of something, yet yearn for it at the same time? There is so much beauty in the brokenness. I no longer want to run away, I want to run towards this beautiful mess of artwork that is my imperfection and collide in an embrace. I must lean into it and let my brokenness work to reveal the power in meaningful connections. Knowing and being known is worth the risk. These next 9 months mean stepping forward in intentionality and not shying away from the emotions of mission work that I often avoid sharing. Prepare yourselves to feel overwhelmed. I know I do.
I had a lot of expectations of what being accepted into the World Race would be like. I was so focused on getting accepted and thought that the interview process would definitely be my greatest obstacle. But after being accepted, I was in for a shock. Suddenly a season of intense fear and anxiety struck. Excitement became stress as fundraising wasn’t moving along as fast as I’d hoped. Finances are still constantly flooding my thoughts. Fear in fundraising is very real. I do not like to ask people for money as it’s difficult for me to be open with people and share this need I have. Currently I don’t have enough money to launch. I have a deadline in a few weeks, and need to be $10,000 fundraised in order to go on the World Race. Words cannot express how scared I am, scared for the unknown of what is going to happen with my life over the next month. My only comfort is remembering that God’s plan is the greatest adventure, and if I am meant to go, He will come through.
God asked for a yes to going on the World Race. A yes that was very easy for me to agree to. I thought I was ready. What I wasn’t ready for was all of the yes’s he would ask of me along the way. God asks us to deny ourselves. He asks us to follow not so that we will be without, but so that He can give us better. But experiencing a taste of what I will actually be giving up for 9 months at training camp made it a lot harder to say yes to His plan. SURRENDER. Am I ready to give up my comfortable life and have a yes in my spirit? Yes. Yes to leaving my family. Yes to saying goodbye to my closest friends. Yes to giving up my comfy bed, and favorite clothes, and American food. Yes to probably not seeing myself in a mirror for a month. Yes to approaching the beggar on the street corner who needs to know that they are not an untouchable. Yes to loving the little orphans who have never known love. Yes to listening to the woman who has lived in silence and making it known to her that she does have a voice. That she is important and she is heard. But most of all I am saying yes to running towards a life led in reckless pursuit of loving others as Jesus did. His is a reckless love I will never be able to fathom.
I have been living in fear because I was afraid of what God was calling me to do. I didn’t know if I was ready to leave my comfort zone and be put in the uncomfortable situations that He will ask a yes of me in. TRUST. I am standing on the edge. But instead of looking down at my doubt and fear and worry I am choosing to look up towards the horizon and the endless possibilities of God’s plan for my life. I am clinging to His promise. Lord, Here I am. Send me.
XOXO, Cat
