Most of my life I never pictured myself as a bride. I actually truly believed I would be an amazing independent woman, who adopted lots of children, and raised them. A superwoman. I wasn't like my sweet cousin Caroline growing up, she was always a bride, every Halloween, always a precious little thing. Not me, if Halloween was lucky, I would grab my aunt's old nun costume, and throw on the Whoopi Goldberg mask. Ironic, I know. I give you permission to laugh, please do. Whoopi is true classic for our family. Whoopi is also still hanging out under my bed.
Anyway, as most of you know now, things have changed drastically. Yes, I am quite the maniac when it comes to weddings. They melt my heart into pieces. I just think they are beautiful. I love being in them! My mother jokes about me always being the bridesmaid, but I don't even care because I LOVE IT. I cannot think of a celebration more beautiful and more exciting!
(This blog has the potential to get mushy…fast….my apologies)
I'm speaking of all these things because the theme of the month was learning about bridal intimacy with Jesus. The picture of Christ and His complete commitment to His people was at the forefront of my mind. BEAUTIFUL. I had been craving deeper intimacy and I got it. Oh it was so good. I wish I could show you the deepest places of my heart and allow you to see how they were exploding.
I committed to praying alone and out loud in the rice fields. To sit in the Lord's Presence, to stand in His presence, to dance in His presence. Just be with Him. It was amazing. How crazy that The Lord actually desires to sweep you right off your feet, you just have to say yes.
As we know, the Lord has many different names, different titles. Savior, Friend, Lord, King of Kings, Bridegroom.
In John 15:15, Jesus changes the mindset of his disciples. He says, "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you." He redefines the relationship He has with His disciples and calls them friend. He calls them closer.
I heard Him calling me to change my mindset about Him, to redefine our relationship. I knew Him as Lord and as King. I was confident in that aspect of our relationship. My only is desire to honor Him. Whatever He wants of me, I want to do it. No question. I know that He is worthy. I know that He is worth obeying. However, what He wanted from me now was more than obedience. He was requiring more of me. He was requiring all of me.
He wanted me to understand that I am His bride. Weird concept I know — if this is completely wacky to your head and you want to know more — we can talk later.
Neglecting this concept as a Christ follower is a way that one can completely miss the kind of love and abundant life Jesus wants you to experience in Him. I was missing it. I couldn't figure out why I was avoiding this part of my identity in Christ. I realized that I hated the idea of being vulnerable. It made me nervous to tell Jesus my dreams and the things that I wanted in life. What if He did the opposite of what I desired. It was better to suppress any desire I had so that I wasn't disappointed, so my heart wasn't crushed. It was almost embarrassing to talk to Jesus about things that had hurt me. I should've been tougher; I shouldn't have put my heart out there. It is dumb to feel.
Not only did I not want to share those parts of my heart with others, but I realized I was nervous to give those tender parts of my heart to Jesus. Wow. I had been keeping a lot from Him, knowing that He could see them, but refusing to share them with Him.
A bride has to be vulnerable. A bride has to expose it all — dreams, hurts, scars — everything.
So I walked to rice fields everyday, through the mud and all the cows, and exposed myself.
I can't know You more unless I allow myself to be known by You.
It was kind of messy, yet beautiful. He could see all of my heart, yet His heart was still shouting how much His heart loved me.
Song of Solomon 1:5 "I am very dark, but lovely."
He sees it all, yet says that I am lovely.
It clicked. This was the place where there was more of Him. This was the identity I had been longing for. This was all my heart had been searching for — to know the intimate love Jesus.
(strangely enough, my team and I dressed up as Cambodian Brides this month)
