Five years ago. Five whole years ago.
When I think about five years ago, I think of darkness and light…
I also think about how I had a crazy case of walking pneumonia, I needed an inhaler to walk up one flight of stairs… haha
But mostly, I think about the day when the light was greater than the darkness.
I think about how the light actually touched parts that couldn't feel.
This weekend, I'll be rejoicing in Cambodia, but usually, you'll find me in a small town called Delevan, in a chapel at the top of a hill, at a little camp that goes by the name of Circle C Ranch.
That's where it all began. I was eighteen years old.
Most people know that my family was going through a lot of difficulties during that time… the details aren't really important.
Just know that if my eighteen year old insides could've been seen on the outside, you would've been terrified. It would have been something to turn your face from.
But this is about the day when that all changed. I had no idea that it would.
My heart was tired and extremely worn out. I was on the edge.. I'm not sure what the edge was, but I was on it…
I sat in a chapel service, the last day of a college retreat I was attending. A guy by the name of Wes Aarum, you might confuse him with a surfer, but he's actually just a groovy Pastor, said, "We're not going to speak on anything this morning, take the next hour to be alone with God."
I got handed a piece of paper and a pen. Talk to Him.
You see this actually kind of pissed me off… just a little bit because I wasn't super pumped to just sit and talk with God. For a God that knew everything, He certainly wasn't doing anything to change the things that were happening in my life. What's worse than looking at the chaos and choosing not to do anything. Passivity. I'm not about it.
So I wrote to God. I cried. I told Him that, and probably a lot more.. I wondered if He cared that I was tired. I wondered if He actually had plans for me because it seemed like He wanted me to sit in chaos. I laid down in the pew.
What happened next was not a loud thunder from heaven saying, "Oh hey daughter, welcome to My Presence"…. but a quiet whisper, that said, "I am here."
And My God was so sweet to me because even though I was really drowning in a bunch of sin and a bunch of junk, He said, " I love you Catherine Ann, I really love you. I didn't leave you. I'm passionate about you. I see you. I hear you."
And my heart that was literally dead — which I am convinced that no one on this earth could possibly know the depth of the numbness — encountered Hope. It came alive.
Hope casts out the lies that birth in chaos. God wasn't being passive at all, He was being patient. Patient. "I'll wait for you to stop trying to do this by yourself."
So I decided I would stop. I would surrender.
If Jesus wanted me, I wanted Him.
And if He was going to hear me, then there was a lot to start praying for.
So my face went to altars, a lot of times, more times than I could count, for the same things.
Forgiveness needed to seep deep into my veins. I needed to learn how to love, how to actually love, even when it hurt… the kind of love that doesn't leave, but perseveres. I needed restoration and healing in my heart to the deepest degree. I needed God to restore my relationship with my family. I needed us to all be healthy.
He heard me.
And so five years later… I have a lot to praise my God for… but mostly I praise Him with everything in me because He heard my cry, He bent down from Heaven to listen me. He made sure I didn't miss out on how much He loves me.
"He rescued me because He delighted in me."
Psalm 18:19
Photo by: Daniel Mohr
