the things I’ve never shared..
Remember when you were little and it was necessary to check the closet and leave the door cracked before bed.
Please leave the bathroom light on.
Who am I kidding, I’ve never not been afraid of the dark. Fear has always been a deep struggle for me since I was little girl. I’ve always been a scaredy cat.
My fear has always been a little different than most. I didn’t fear the boogieman or monsters under my bed. I knew that I had an enemy and that he wanted to torment me.
I didn’t know much about God at the time, but I knew there was power in the name of Jesus Christ. I knew that I could call on His name and that all authority belonged to Him.
I’d sing one of the only “Jesus” songs I knew, “hold me Jesus because I’m shaking like a leaf.”
I grew up hating the nighttime, praying that God would take me to a place where there was no more darkness.
Fear continued to be an issue as I got older. I didn’t grow out of it, and was embarrassed of how much I hated nighttime. When I was eighteen years old I surrendered my life to the Lord, and the Bible was no longer just an old book, but a weapon. The Lord was hearing my childhood cries. He was calling me out of darkness and into His marvelous life. I was told to never let the enemy steal your peace or steal your rest. All authority belongs to Jesus.
Fast forward. I’m on the race. Everyone is excited for Africa. I’m ready to miss my flight. Africa, typical missionary holding orphans, God is good, lets live in a mud hut all of our days, the whole sha-bang. I knew that wasn’t Africa. I knew that it was going to be a battlefield. I knew that people in the states have often lived like there’s no enemy, only peace and love. I knew that they were sadly naive. Things were real here; there was no doubt in my mind.
After three days of travel and sleeping at borders, we arrive at our village. We set up our tents and make ourselves at home. It’s our first week and no one is sleeping well. The witch doctor plays his drums all night, from the time we go to bed, to the time we wake up.
We’re fed up, and realize that were in the middle of a war. We pray around the entire grounds, some stay up all night praying, some unzip their tents no matter what the hour is and begin to call upon the name of Jesus.
I was done believing the lie that the Lord wasn’t going to watch me while I slept. He was going to protect us. Nothing could separate us from His love. He is the Good Shepherd. No has to remind Him or wake Him up to care for His sheep. His eyes are ever on us.
Confidently preparing to go bed, I pray Psalm 23 over my tent. “I will fear no evil, for You are with me.”
I fall asleep; I wake up to my body shaking and trembling. I can’t even move my legs I’m filled with so much fear. I begin reading scripture – that the Lord prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies. I’m begging the Lord to wake someone up. Lord, please! My teammate Emily wakes up calling out my name.
The Lord heard me. Emily and I start praying. I know that the Lord has not given me a spirit of fear, that the perfect love of God casts out all fear. Emily starts praying peace over me.
The fear goes away instantly after she starts praying.
My heart was still a little startled, but I knew that I had been woken up not to be afraid, but to pray, to stand in the gap.
I started praying not for myself, but for the village and for the children, that fear would flee and the enemy would have no place.
In those same moments, the Lord continued to speak. He showed me that I was no longer that little girl that was terrified of Satan. I was strong, I was able to stand in the gap with confidence. I was no longer a girl, but a warrior. I can't really put into words all that happened that night, but I felt the victory of Jesus.
Jesus, thank You that You are victorious — You have never not been victorious. Darkness has to flee in Your presence. Thank You that You care for Your children. Thank You that You are our protector and You fight for us.
“Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple. For He will hide me in His shelter in the day of trouble; He will conceal me under the cover of His tent.”
Psalm 27:3-5
