Training camp…all can even begin to say is thank you, God. Thank you for rocking my world and shattering the box I put you in. I’m still processing everything that happened over the last 10 days. Even in the last 10ish hours since training camp ended God is still revealing things to me; things that I had no idea I still needed to bring to His feet, things that He has truly allowed me to let go of, and things to get even more excited over!!
So first let me tell you about this crazy awesome thing that happened. Throughout the beginning of the week I really struggled through the beginning sessions of truly forgiving those who had hurt me in my life and stepping out of shame I didn’t even know I walked in. I couldn’t understand why I had let these things build up so much and why I couldn’t fully give them over God to allow Him to heal me. Then I realized that it was because I didn’t feel worthy of love; not God’s, not people’s, not family’s, not anyone’s. And I’m still not sure where this feeling came from or when it started, but I can surely tell you that this lie was rooted deep and firm.
I can’t tell you exactly what our session was on that night, but I can tell you that I pretty much cried through the whole thing. It was definitely not the pretty crying either. God showed me how much anger and bitterness and unforgiveness I had been holding on to and for the first time ever, I let go of ALL of it! I was speaking, well sobbing, with one of our squad coaches while all of this was happening and I told her about how I didn’t feel worthy of love. And y’all she spoke so much truth over me that night. She told me to go write in my journal, “I am loved. I am Your beloved.” And I didn’t tell anyone else on my squad at all.
The next morning, about half way through the worship, one of my squad mates found me. She grabbed both of my arms and looked at me and said, “I feel like God wants me to tell you that you are worthy of love.” WHAT. Cue the tears again. Y’all, God spoke to me so directly that it could only have been Him. I even asked her if someone had told her what I was dealing with the previous night because I was so shocked.
But God is SO good! He wants to talk to us and love us. He’s not some being in the sky who rules His Kingdom and ignores His people. He desires a personal relationship with us and it’s so much more than only reading your bible and one-sided prayer. If I truly want to take God out of the box I try and put Him in, then why should I be surprised when He uses someone to speak directly to me? SO STINKING COOL.
There was so much more that happened but I would be writing for days if I tried to explain everything, so I’ll leave you with:
5 Things About Training Camp!
1. Bucket showers. But only 2 over the 10 days (baby wipes are your friend) because it’s 40 degrees out, you only have cold water out of a hose, and you share your shower space with local wildlife.
2. All the feels. I don’t normally consider myself a crier, but I think I cried more at camp than I have in the past year… and it was awesome! Future racers, come with an open heart and just be 100% willing to how the Holy Spirit wants to move.
3. Contraband Oreos. When you find out one of your squad mates has Oreos and it’s like a gift straight from heaven.
4. Family. I now have 36 more brothers and sisters. We started the week as strangers and ended as family. These people have held my deepest secrets, loved me, and intentionally chosen to pursue each other. Training camp displayed some of the most beautiful examples of community.
5. Tent sharing. When there’s one night that you have to share your tent with someone, but after that you do it just because it’s fun and it keeps you warmer.
6. Exercise. Every morning at 7am. Not my cup of tea at the beginning, but it was actually something I looked forward to by the end of camp.
7. Your cheer when the guy comes to clean out the port-a-potties… Enough said.
8. Journaling. I filled of over half of a journal in 10 days with notes from sessions and my own processing.
9. You eat community style. Germs no longer phase you.
11. Feedback. It’s so hard, but so good and important. It’s high humility, but to be called higher to the person that God created you to be is an incredible thing.
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Thank you to those who have already donated to my Race, y’all made it possible for me to get to Training Camp! If you feel led to donate or continue to donate, I am still in need of $4,157 to meet my December deadline of $10,000 in order to be able to leave in January.
