…down in my heart!
Many of the trips I’ve been on in the past in service to God have ended up in God having to hit me on the top of my head with a spiritual 2 x 4 and then help me figure out how to fix whatever is wrong with me. My first adventure to Catalina Island, God had to nearly kill me in order to get the point across that I can’t do anything without Him. Ask me about it, and I’ll share every horrendous detail.
My second Catalina Island adventure was no less of a 2 x 4 experience. I went carrying a lot of anger, especially towards someone in my family. I was hurting badly, and trying desperately to cover up the hurt. I had managed to even fool myself into believing I was past it, but God saw right through the disguise. Because I had been talking to everyone except Him about it, God took my voice away that week. I didn’t understand why when my voice first disappeared, and I spent a day or two of it trying to find other ways to communicate with my teammates, but nothing seemed to work very well. So I finally had to talk to God. He made me bury the hurt and anger on that island.
Then came the trip to Dearborn last year. It was a 2 x 4 experience in that God showed me what happens I let things like fear and worry overtake His ability to work in and through me. I was at my least effective in sharing the Gospel when I let myself be afraid of what could happen to me if I did, and when I was worried about what the majority of the people I came into contact with during those two weeks were thinking of me. I also realized how little I actually knew about what the Bible says, and how easy it is to be attacked by Satan when you’re not constantly in connection with God through prayer and study of His word.
All of this brings me to Dearborn this year. Which wasn’t a 2 x 4 experience at all.
I joined the team this year about halfway through because of my commitment to teaching in VBS. I flew in the day after VBS, and was exhausted – a week of teaching and worrying about the state of my hand (I’d smashed it between a couch and a wall) combined with Parents’ Night the last night of VBS and a very late night finishing packing. By the time I got to luggage claim in Detroit, I wanted to collapse. The questions ran through my head as I watched the carousel for my bag. What are you doing here? Why put yourself through this again? Haven’t you missed too much to do anything on this trip?
By the time Louis (one of our fearless leaders) called to find out he had gotten to the wrong terminal to pick me up at, I had mostly beaten the questions back, but there was still a tiny ache in my heart. Once I had my bag, I went out to wait on the sidewalk and watch for Louis show up.
The second I saw The Shark, a sudden burst of joy leapt into my heart like I hadn’t felt in years. I all but ran towards it as it parked, laughed as Louis ignored me and went inside, and felt the joy spill out not only when Annie and Alissa jumped out of the back to greet me, but when I looked in the back and realized the entire team had come to pick me up. There was no more ache in my heart, and as we chattered in excitement and got me loaded up and in, I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing. I had no doubt this was exactly where I was supposed to be, or that this was the time I was supposed to arrive at.
And that joy stayed with me the rest of the week. Even when things got tiring and frustrating from spiritual attacks on me and the team both, the joy of the Lord stayed with me. I never had a moment where I wanted to throw in the towel, to give up or walk away. There were moments of discouragement, but I never doubted that everything either had been or was going to be worth the sacrifice of time and energy.
While I was thinking about how to start the series of blogs coming up about my Dearborn experiences this morning, and talking to my dad, I heard God whisper in my ear – one simple word.
Joy.
I learned this past week that He alone should be my source of joy in this world. I have to depend on Him to give me joy. I need to hold on to the knowledge that if I am filled with His joy, then even in the darkest moments to come in my life, I will still have it. God let me experience it so I would seek Him further, and the taste has been enough to convince me I need to. Now, I can confidently sing that “I have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart!”
