There’s about a million things I can think of to blog about as long as the computer is turned off. When I’m away from the keyboard, the ideas flow. I have five blogs perpetually running around, just waiting to be unleashed on the world.
But I lose them when I open up my laptop and start typing. My brain becomes a clean slate. There’s nothing.
Just dead space.
And I almost hate opening the computer up for that reason alone.
Something I’ve found out about myself in the last week is that I don’t like to have empty, clear space in my head.
I’ve cultivated a thought-life that doesn’t allow for any silence.
No room to just be.
I analyze things into the ground. I assign motivations to people’s actions they never intended. And then I turn that around in my head so the blame falls squarely on me, myself, and I.
It’s not healthy, it’s not right, and the consequences are disastrous.
I’m sitting in the midst of those consequences right now. My faith in my purpose for being on The World Race has been shaken.
I’ve questioned not only what I’m doing on it, but what I’m doing, period.
Why do I torture myself so much in my head?
Why can’t I speak out the thoughts racing through my head and expose the lies for what they are?
What is this wall that won’t let me share the deepest, darkest hurts, and allow healing to transform them into something beautiful?
I suppose if I were feeling wordsy enough, I could spew out a conclusion to all of this that would tickle your ears and leave you walking away with a good feeling.But that’s not where I’m at right now, and that’s not fair to all of you reading this to make you feel like things are fine when they aren’t.
I don’t have many of the answers.
What I do know is that all of this is happening at this time for a specific reason.
I trust that the answers will come in time.
And I do have faith in the purpose for which God has called me to this time and place.
He’s started a good work in me, and I trust Him to complete it – even on the days when I have sunk to the depths.
I have little else to cling to.
