It’s not much longernow until I leave for Flagstaff, for NAU and all of the unknowns lying ahead. Calm is generally how I
look, but inside my stomach is twisted like a wash cloth being squeezed out of
its last precious droplets of water. More and more of my life is disappearing
into boxes and bags, being prepared for a life I am suddenly not at all sure I
am ready for. I don’t even know who my roommate is supposed to be, for pity’s
sake.
And here I am, getting
ready to tell James about what I’m doing. What am I doing?
ready to tell James about what I’m doing. What am I doing?
We sit down on the
couch, and I start to speak out what he has to have known for weeks now, but I
am only just now finding the words to tell him. I’m not shaking, there’s
nothing in my face or my gestures that should be giving away what I’m feeling…
but he knows. He knows, and he reaches for my hand, and squeezes it for the
briefest of seconds, then holds it for a minute longer.
couch, and I start to speak out what he has to have known for weeks now, but I
am only just now finding the words to tell him. I’m not shaking, there’s
nothing in my face or my gestures that should be giving away what I’m feeling…
but he knows. He knows, and he reaches for my hand, and squeezes it for the
briefest of seconds, then holds it for a minute longer.
It’s going to be okay,
Cat, he’s saying without saying a word. It’s going to be fine.
Cat, he’s saying without saying a word. It’s going to be fine.
And it was fine. Flagstaff
and NAU were a big step for me, but God provided… just like He always does. My
first year, an RA who was unashamedly Christian and intent on making sure I
didn’t get lost in the dusty tomes that often consume history majors. Really, a
building of Christian RAs who were unashamed. That same year, a small group who
walked with me through one of the hardest years of my life and in my
relationship with God.
and NAU were a big step for me, but God provided… just like He always does. My
first year, an RA who was unashamedly Christian and intent on making sure I
didn’t get lost in the dusty tomes that often consume history majors. Really, a
building of Christian RAs who were unashamed. That same year, a small group who
walked with me through one of the hardest years of my life and in my
relationship with God.
Here I am, once again making a big step out, and tonight mystomach is in that same twisted knot. I can hear God whispering those same
words. It’s going to be okay. It’s going
to be fine.
But I want that touch. That very physical sign of comfort
and reassurance… that I’m not losing my mind, and if this looks like I’m going
crazy, then it’s okay because it’s for Jesus.
and reassurance… that I’m not losing my mind, and if this looks like I’m going
crazy, then it’s okay because it’s for Jesus.
I want it, but is it really what I need? God’s already told
me it’s going to be fine. On a good day, I think fine is an understatement. It’s
going to be amazing. If this was a good day, that would be enough.
me it’s going to be fine. On a good day, I think fine is an understatement. It’s
going to be amazing. If this was a good day, that would be enough.
Tonight it’s not.
It’s not, but I’m praying it will be soon.
