It’s been just about a month since I made my race Facebook official, which is the equivalent of going public with it. Facebook seems to be the central news source where any announcement becomes legitimized. Although I had been accepted for the World Race coincidentally on my birthday (December 6), it took me until late February to officially announce it. Part of this I can honestly credit to the beauty of God’s timing and aligning it as a dedication to my mom, but the delay initially began out of fear.
Those who know me well have come to accept my vivid emotions. I’m unapologetically a cheerful morning person. I will become overly enthusiastic about the smallest thing. I can cry tears of sadness, happiness, stress (or all of the above) with little provocation. All of which are very genuine emotions. They’ve become aspects of my personality I’ve fully accepted. They can be overwhelming or distasteful to some, but they’re the essence of Cassie. Take it or leave it. Yet on a deeper level there’s a lot going on inside the chaotic, emotional world of Cassie that stays shoved under the surface. Duh, who literally wears their heart on their sleeve in this day and age? But on top of that I’m a CHRONIC avoider. In my mind there will always be a magical time in the future where undesirable tasks suddenly become manageable and exciting. Especially vulnerability! Vulnerability is often reserved for an older and wiser Cassie to handle… Yet it seems I rarely find the inspiration to engage with it. It’s painful and it’s terrifying. If I could handle this on my own why share it with someone else? That’s been my motto for too long. What traumatic encounters have I had with deep vulnerability that’s carved itself as “unsafe” inside my unconscious mind? That could become one heck of a brainspotting session! (Thank you, Calo).
Everything about joining the World Race is uncomfortably vulnerable. Right away I’m being pushed outside of my comfort zone. A 27 year old is abandoning a passionate, budding career, her family, friends and comfortable American lifestyle for a year. This requires not only to earn no income but to raise a substantial amount of money from the generosity of friends, family and other believers. And I have to write a blog about the whole experience. HA! Only Christ could call me to such madness. And thank goodness I have the security in His calling to keep me grounded. My rollercoaster emotions and attacks from the enemy prey on the unknown of this adventure. What if no one actually cares? What if I don’t raise the money? What if I can’t handle it? What if this becomes a complete failure and I fall flat on my butt? But I know “God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7.
I’m currently attending a Bible study with a group of women in my church going through a book called Uninvited. The goal of the book is to provoke thought and discussion around feeling lonely and less than in today’s world and combat it with the truth of how Christ sees us. This book along with the guidance of the Holy Spirit is calling me out hardcore. It’s convicting yet comforting. I get to choose to embody the fullness of Christ and seek to bless others rather than deplete others to meet my own needs. (This is just the point of one chapter, which eloquently pointed a huge finger at my selfish tendencies. I highly recommend reading it!)
All of this to say that this year I’m shirking the avoidance of vulnerability. It’s humbling, it’s powerful, it’s connective, it’s authentic. It will be a slow process, but it’s a necessary one. Does this mean I’ll be bearing the depths of my soul every chance I get to everyone I meet? Absolutely not. Vulnerability will definitely premiere as a dance. Two steps forward with a few steps back. Cha, cha, cha. However, Christ uses our stories and experiences to reveal His goodness to others. My own stubbornness and fear are keeping me from experiencing His fullness and sharing it with others in need. Here’s to growing, stretching and walking out in faith! And especially here’s to sharing this journey through social media, yikes!!
