Coffee. To say I am obsessed with coffee would still be quite the understatement. I’m a coffee snob. One of those pour over Chemex, single origin, whole bean monthly coffee subscription snobs. Ground grocery store brand coffee will not suffice. It’s a passion that pushes me to spend the extra money to buy bougie coffee beans. A medium-roast single origin served black.
My first thought upon waking up is, “okay, time to make coffee!” I relish the experience of sitting on the couch with my Bible after completing the ritual of warming the water, grinding the beans, and waiting for the extraction process to be complete. After sitting with the warm mug and taking the first few sips, I can literally feel the caffeine begin to take effect in my body. I feel it entering my veins and opening my eyes. Like a spring flower beginning to bloom, I become my best self with coffee.
It became a point of pride that I literally could not remember a day when I had gone without coffee. For years! The furthest time I could trace back would maybe be in high school. Back in the days when I drank pre-ground Starbucks Christmas blend with a huge splash of gingerbread Coffeemate creamer. Even with all the processed sugar and cream, I was pretty committed to my coffee and caffeine intake.
Even when I would be sick and have no physical taste for coffee, I knew I would feel at least a tad better because I wouldn’t have the caffeine headache. Anytime my morning coffee would be delayed, I would get quite irritable and annoyed. Coffee would always be the priority! I would personally go to great lengths to make sure I got it, yet everyone else didn’t seem to have the same level of commitment I did.
On the race I have been fully confronted with the dark addiction I have to coffee. On a weird trip in Argentina where we “relinquished our rights”, I was forced to go without coffee… and literally had a break down, tears and all. In Bolivia hiking to the Mojos, we didn’t always have hot water, so I downed room temperature instant coffee that I mixed with stream water. Bleh! Another time in Bolivia in our apartment in Apolo we had run out of propane. I woke up early the next morning, disconnected it from the stove, carried the empty tank all the way to the store and slowly drug a new tank home. All so I could easily heat the water to make my morning brew.
Coffee has been such a comforting drink and safe, stable ritual for me to feel normalcy and joy. But it has clearly become an idol. It became way too important and took too much focus and sacrifice for me to maintain this habit. Idol: an object of extreme devotion. Yep, that was me.
And here on the other side of this, I’m lamenting that I don’t feel like I’m growing in my relationship with Christ. I feel like I have given up my entire life and career for this, but I’m not actually changing anything or making any effort to grow. All these thoughts and realizations hit me while in Cambodia. Cue the tears, the heavy sobs and absolute weeping. My path was made clear. I needed to give up coffee.
When I mention the tears and sobs, I’m not exaggerating. Coffee had become THAT big of a deal for me, which was the biggest indicator that I probably needed to realign my priorities. How could I do something big that would actually hold me accountable to the changes I wanted to make in my life? What’s a sacrifice I could make to show God I was serious about this? Coffee was clearly the option. I never felt like God was specifically telling me I needed to, but I felt the nudge that this could be hugely impactful if I was willing to sacrifice and step into it.
So I stepped into it! I loaned my pour-over to a teammate for the time being and gave away the last of my Bolivian coffee and Vietnamese coffee that I had just purchased. Sigh. This was really happening. All of the cute coffee shops everywhere! No longer could I go there to indulge in a delicious bitter brew. And Thailand was next! I would be in another coffee-belt country. I had the opportunity to get coffee grown and roasted locally! Ahhhhh!
But what better way to resposture my heart and realign my priorities. Clearly, coffee was a bigger focus than my ministry or the Lord in general. By giving it up, I wanted to crave intimacy and the presence of the Lord more than coffee. May He be my first thought in the morning and what fuels my day! When I desired coffee and felt that empty ache, may I turn to Christ and allow Him to fill me.
The first couple days were rough. The caffeine addict monster in me was angry, reaching out fierce claws of second-guesses and feelings of impossibility. Through tears, headaches and general malaise, I endured and pushed through. I tried drinking bubble tea because I don’t like soda, but I discovered I don’t like boba either. Thailand had the delicious beverage of Thai tea. A friend pointed out, maybe God recognized your sacrifice and gave you Thai tea! Even though Chiang Mai was littered with cutesy cafes and coffee shops that I longed to sip a cappuccino in, I always had the option of getting Thai tea. The Lord sees our sacrifices and provides!!!
It’s got to be God because with Thai tea, it became quite easy to not choose coffee. Sometimes walking into a coffee shop and inhaling the freshly ground beans would literally inspire my eyes to well with tears because I missed my dear friend, coffee. But in general, I was surviving. I was getting through and I had not cheated once! This is the grace of God!
And I was growing in my relationship and intimacy with the Lord. I choose to believe God gave me my new team after recognizing my sacrifice in His name. He gave me my Willdflowers which has been such a safe place to run after the Lord, be open and vulnerable, and genuinely live in community. It’s been so good! Finally after 5 months on the race, I can say confidently that I am growing!!
I wasn’t sure how long I should give coffee up or what the fast should look like. Then my mentor gave me a devotional for Lent, the days leading up to Easter. It straight-away talked about the benefits of sacrifice and how fasting gives you a void to fill with the Lord. I felt like I had my answer. I would be fasting from coffee until Easter Sunday. Phew.
In Serbia our ministry mostly looks like meeting up with people for coffee. In some ways that’s a struggle and temptation, but God has been so faithful to ALWAYS provide another option. Whether that means tea or hot chocolate! (Fun note, hot chocolate here is like rich thick pudding or liquid chocolate bar.)
It’s been 53 days without coffee. Wow! I don’t think I ever thought it possible for me to say that. Embracing the World Race for what it is, as a time to push myself and do things I wouldn’t normally be able to, I felt led to give up caffeine altogether for the last two weeks of Lent. I am currently on day 5 of no caffeine. Now that’s a WOW! To not be controlled or dependant on a stimulant. It’s freeing! I am in control and am no longer an addict to coffee or caffeine. It feels so good!!! I still miss the rush, but I know my body no longer depends on it. 9 days left until I get to become reacquainted with my old friend, coffee. I’m giddy with excitement! But I have learned so much from our time apart and hope to maintain a healthier, less dependent relationship this time around.
As the girl who refused to ever go a day without coffee, I don’t recognize myself right now. All I know is that the Lord is worth it. Jesus is better than coffee, everytime.
