I haven’t written a blog in about a month. I just don’t feel inspired to do so.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved the ministry in Cambodia last month and I love it in Malaysia this month. I’m still growing and learning more about Jesus, the Bible, my walk, etc. every day. I am enjoying the moments of fun and laughter and the moments of tears and vulnerability within my team.
There is nothing that is not inspiring, really.
But I’m just not inspired to write at this time.
I feel like I should be writing all the cliché “For Future Racer” blogs now that I am officially in Month 11 of the World Race, but I don’t want to.
“Why?” You may ask.
Because Month 11 sucks. Plain and simple; there it is. Yup, I said it.
Again, you may ask, “Why?” Well, let me tell you…
1. My thought-life is split in half.
My thoughts are consumed with the number of days left on the Race. Half of the time it’s counting down to being home, seeing family and friends, digging into “What’s next?” Half of the time it’s counting the few days that I have left in Malaysia, thinking about people I’ll miss here and people I might not see again, making sure I take advantage of all opportunities.
For all my allegory-illiterate friends, I’m sorry for the following, but this is where I’m at! 😉 I feel like I’m back in high school. We cannot wait to graduate, but we know the time until then is the beginning of the end. Everyone says we’ll stay in contact and nothing will change, but, as the months pass after graduation, you talk to each other less.
You have been waiting to finish school since started all those years ago. You know the potential and possibilities that will be in front of you after you graduate. You are even excited for your friends with big dreams: “I can’t wait to see what they’ll become!”
But with that excitement, also, comes the fears. I won’t see any of them regularly. We’ll all be in different places. I might never see that person again. What if they get too busy in their new life and they don’t have time for me?
Finishing the Race feels a lot like graduating high school. I’m ready to be done, but I want to stay a little longer.
Can’t I just stay on the Race and go home at the same time?
2. Embarking on the beginning of the end is terrifying. The “What’s next?” chapter is terrifying.
For most of the Race, we’ve been asked not to think about going home or about what we will be doing after the Race. But now it’s Month 11 and in less than 30 days, I will be home. Now, I literally have to think about it.
I’ve had to purchase plane tickets, arrange a ride from the airport, figure out if I have a job to return to, make sure I have Missouri-Winter appropriate clothes in my East Asia-Summer backpack wardrobe, schedule friends in for coffee dates and hangout sessions because of the repetitive (yet loving and meaningful, I might also add) requests.
But, on top of all of that, God is opening major doors.
During these 11 months, I’ve been shown physical places I can serve at and people I can get spiritual outpourings from. I have had new ministerial doors opening at least every month to remind me that God is always dreaming bigger for my life than I can. (Something my dear friend, William, prayed for when I first met him in Ukraine.) I’ve met friends that gave me an open invitation to visit whenever I want and will provide a bed to sleep in, tours of their country and food.
Basically, I have too many opportunities now!
Before the Race, I had really one two places I could imagine being: Uganda or Missouri. But now, I cannot even count all the places I could imagine being involved with a ministry.
Having too few options is disheartening, but having too many options can feel the same way.
There are so many options, I feel like I can make a wrong decision easily.
Before this month people asked me, “What’s next?” Now, it’s I who spends hours of prayer asking God, “What’s next?”
Then I wait. Until He tells me, I am supposed to sit in the uncomfortability of my unknown and wait for an answer. And waiting sucks most of the time.
3. …Well, I feel like I had a lot more reasons when I started this post, but I think I lumped a lot of them together in my two very broad umbrella categories up there.
Does Month 11 suck?
Absolutely. Without a doubt. Definitely.
But, the more I think about it, I couldn’t think of a better place to be in life than with too much love, too many friends, too many options, and too many stories to tell when I get back home.
With any luck—nah, who am I kidding?–
With God’s blessing, it will be a chapter of just as many adventures, just as many laughs, just as many friends, just as many travels (to see all my squadmates), and, hopefully, just as much growth.
Because of all this word vomit or, to put it in World Race terms: “processing”, I think I might finally be ready to deal with beginning to end this chapter of my life and pick up the pen to start a new one….
