It is only 10 a.m. and today is already one of the hardest days that I’ve encountered, both emotionally and spiritually.
I spent last night and the very early morning (I have a problem staying up until 3 a.m. reading when I find a good read…) reading another chapter in the book that my amazing squad coaches recommended, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.
It’s wrecking me!
I thought I had a pretty good handle on who I was and thought I was living a life with an emotionally healthy spirituality.
That’s what I thought…
Within the first pages of this book, I was torn down. I was wrecked. I am definitely not living with an emotionally healthy spirituality.
I have been torn down and exposed.
I am open and raw.
It’s liberating and refreshing, but it’s painful.
I’ve stripped myself of everything I previously thought I knew and feel as if I am standing, naked, in front of God asking him to clothe me in only what is from Him.
I know that He’ll clothe me in my identity, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous about the “clothes” I will be given.
What if I don’t like the shirt He gives me? What if the pants feel like they aren’t fitting correctly?
I’ll admit, I still feel spiritually immature in some areas and the picture I get in my head is that God will clothe me, but what if it’s roles that I’m not ready to fulfill.
Will I look like a child dressed in their parent’s clothing?
In the past two months, I have been trying to tear myself down from all the expectations, ideas and identities that have been spoken over me my entire life. Now don’t hear what I’m not saying, these are not necessarily bad things that I or others have spoken over me. I just want to gut my identity and build it back up with only what God shows me and tells me.
I want to start anew without the fear of failure, without the insecurities, and with the identity of the royal member of His family that God has told me I am.
So the flip side of my fears about what God will show me and clothe me with is that I’m stoked to build myself up with the identity that God has for me with no outside influence from others, as I was previously seeking their approval.
I long to be able to be completely comfortable with my identity, because it will be rooted in God’s provision and will specifically for me and will and I know it’ll provide a new sense of confidence for who I am and where I am being called.
With that being said, I also said that I’m raw right now. I’m super vulnerable. My emotions are running wild as, piece by piece, I am being put together in a way that will eventually look like a completed puzzle with no gaps or missing pieces, no things fighting to occupy the same space, and no question that what I am is a complete picture.
But that’s not today.
Today, however, another big piece fell into place with the simple whisper I heard as soon as I woke up.
“Uganda.”
Being that I’m raw, exposed and vulnerable, I lost all sense of the “I have it all together” mask and broke down in an overwhelming flood of tears.
I rolled over in bed and cried.
And then cried a lot more.
I miss Uganda. I miss the children. I miss the people. I miss the culture. I miss the ridiculous boda bodas.
Again, don’t hear what I’m not saying; I know, without a doubt in my mind, that I am supposed to be in Lima, Peru on the World Race right now. This is where God has called me to be for this season in my life.
But, my heart is for Uganda.
I’ve felt that for over two years, now, and have had seasons of utter belief and assurance and then seasons of doubt and insecurities.
“What if I’m just drawn there because I see a need I can meet? Maybe God isn’t calling me there; maybe I’m calling myself in order to feel needed by someone.”
“Eventually, I will be moving to Uganda. I will live my entire life in a mud hut in the middle of a village, with no access to technology, and will show God’s love and share the gospel with villagers for years to come.”
There’s no rhyme or reason as to when I feel which extreme end of the spectrum, but they both come and go periodically.
This morning, though, I was assured that I am called closer to the “mud hut missionary” extreme.
Currently, my identity is to be determined (well, by me and not by God, since He is confident in who I am) and I am trying to be sensitive to what God is showing me- piece by piece, hour by hour, day by day, verse by verse.
But, one thing I know for sure is, there is a reason I cry when I sit and look at pictures of Uganda. They’re my pictures and I’ve seen them a hundred times, but I still cry every time I look at them. My heartstrings are pulled frequently for the people, specifically the children, of Uganda and now I’m confident in the piece of my identity that comes from my calling for them.
It’s a good piece of my identity to be confident in, but it’s still rough to work though.
I can’t stress enough how raw, emotional, naked, empty, sensitive, open, exposed, and vulnerable I am. Which, as most of you know, are very tough feelings for me to deal with and not push away and run away from.
So, this week has been draining and I might have permanent tear trails staining my face, but I am finally learning who I am in Christ and from God.
I cannot form enough pleas to ask for prayers during this time, so I’ll be simple and to the point.
Please pray for a confidence in me that I may know and embrace the pieces of my identity that God gives me.
Please pray for increased patience so that I may seek God’s will, but then be able to wait until He sees fit to give me the next piece of myself.
Please pray for my strength as I process the pieces.
Please pray for wisdom and understanding as I try to figure out how these pieces fit into my identity.
Please pray for maturity that I may know how to accept the identities that I am given and that I may be able to grow and learn both in and through them.
