This blog is tied for first place in the “I don’t want to write this because I’m exposing my weaknesses and I’m too prideful for that!” category, alongside the one I wrote in Uganda about the difficulties of being there. But I know that ultimately, I am not in control and I am not alone.
So, that’s where you come in. Please pray for me as I’m drowning in my weaknesses.
I’d be lying if I said the past few weeks haven’t been the hardest that I’ve experienced since signing up for the Race. Day after day I’ve awoken and fought through the day with fears, anything-but-encouraging thoughts, and doubts looming over my head.
“You can’t leave for 11 months.” “You’re not strong enough.” “You’ll miss too many events- birthdays, anniversaries, day-to-day activities, hanging out with friends.” “You have too much to do before you leave and not enough time or resources to get it all done.” “You don’t fit in with that squad. You’re just a fly on the wall again.” “No one would even know or care if you dropped out.” “The World Race doesn’t even focus on what you want to ministry in: children.” “You can’t make a difference; you’re just one person.” “Go back to Uganda since you miss it so much.” “Why post a blog? No one reads it anyway.” “There’s no way you can raise $15,500. You barely raised $3,000 for your other trips.”
Unfortunately, that’s just a few of them that are persistent in this sea of discouragement.
That’s not to say there haven’t been moments of encouragement to combat every single one of those. When I take a step back and evaluate the situation, yes, an $11 donation from a distant relative that you were sure was a wasted support letter because they had no interest in your trip and/or God is a much bigger rejoice for an open door to your ministry than being told that you can’t raise the required amount is a discouragement.
But will you believe something more if you’re told it once or if it’s ever-constantly said in your head for weeks on end?
That’s why I cannot go on the World Race.
At least not alone.
If God choses to have me continue on the World Race and I collect all of the required funds then I will go.
But I cannot do it without your help.
Yes, I need a lot of money still and I’m very anxious about that and will gladly accept anything you want to give, but more than that I need prayer warriors. I need friends, churches, family, strangers, anyone to stand in that gap on my behalf. I desperately need prayers for strength. I need clear direction, whether it’s to continue this path (and how to do as to get everything in order) or pursue other opportunities. I need prayers for a renewed sense of purpose.
I’m not meant for the World Race but it is okay because God is. He is the reason for the World Race, so why do I think I can do it alone? It’s not about me, it’s about Him. Who knows- I might not be embarking on the World Race after all, but others will be to spread the news of the Gospel to those countries, whether I’m there or not.
I’m but a pawn and want to be used however God desires.
It’s here, in this place, that I desire to find, lay down, and then raise up my Ebenezer to serve as a reminder and a testimony.
1 Samuel 7:12
Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, 'Thus far has the LORD helped us.'
