As most of you know, I am embarking on a two-month-long mission trip to Uganda, Africa this summer to follow where God is leading my mission-passionate heart.
I leave in two days. Here's where my heart is at today.
I ask my teammates to pray for me during this chapter of my life so that I can be broken and renewed for the next chapter: The World Race.
(Taken direcrtly from my personal blog: http://therevisedamericandream.blogspot.com/)
Well, I had to take a break from attempting to pack because I couldn't stop crying out of frustration. I was stressed; I leave in two days and I'll be gone for two months but I cannot get my stuff to fit! I want to avoid two checked bags because it'll cost me an additional hundred bucks, but at that point in my frustration I would have rather just paid the money and filled the two bags.
I stopped, grabbed my trusty journal and just started writing. When I started to read what I had wrote I realized I had pushed everything down so deep that I didn't even know it was a problem– just like I always do. When I went to lunch with my dad Tuesday he specifically asked me how I was doing because we are identical in the way we handle what we consider our "weakness" emotions and he knew mine wouldn't be apparent on the surface. I chuckled and said I was fine. I thought I was.
Today it is ever so clear that I am not. Well, it's been physically clear for a few days but I ignored it. I broke out in hives on one side of my face and down my back. I tried to justify it as using a new product; I didn't change any products though. The anxiety and stress I didn't know I was suppressing was making itself present in a physical way.
For the first time I can remember in my life I am actually scared. I'm freaking out. I don't want to leave what I have and know here. This doesn't make sense to me because I want everything Uganda has more than anything here. Sure I will miss things like Chipotle and Starbucks, but I honestly would be fine if I never had them again. Then it hit me like a 2×4 across the forehead; it's my family, my friends, my church. I'm so close to my family and, even when I was away at college, never went more than two weeks without going home and physically seeing them. I'm gonna miss the everyday, crazy Wilson life. I'm gonna miss my little sister's 16th birthday.
But then the pendulum swings the other way and I cannot wait to return to the children of Uganda. I cannot wait for their loving embrace and passion for God. I cannot wait to help them and be helped at the same time. I cannot wait to see my friends at EAC. I long for that persistent red dirt to be under my fingernails and on my face at the end of every day. Tears of joy stream down my face thinking about it, which is a stark contrast to the tears of fear and frustration I was experiencing in the minutes before.
But then the pendulum swings back. My family. My friends. My church. I can't get everything packed. I have to finish cleaning my room. I have to fill out paperwork. I have to work two more shifts. I don't have enough time. I don't have enough energy. I don't have enough money. I don't have enough "me". I will be gone for two months, come back for four months, and then leave for a year on my World Race. What am I thinking?!
The short answer: I wasn't thinking. I was following. I was listening.
It doesn't matter that there's not enough of me or what stuff I bring with me because it's not about that. God is bigger than me.
I know I'm still a kid at heart and that's why themes from children's lessons stick with me. But whenever I get in a situation like this my brain always reverts to Junior from the Veggie Tales movie Where's God when I'm S-Scared? after he's learned the awesome power of God and breaks out singing God is Bigger:
"So, are you frightened?"
"No, not really."
"Are you worried?"
"Not a bit! I know whatever's gonna happen, that God can handle it!"
It's not about me. It's not about my stuff. It's not about my fears, my frustrations or even my family. In the end, I have to do what I am being called to do and God will handle everything. As hard as it will be to leave America in two days, I can honestly only imagine it'll be equally hard to leave Uganda in two months.
So, I go.
Please continue to pray for me as I get ready to leave, travel and then spend two months in Uganda. I will be boarding a plane for Chicago Saturday at 3:50 p.m. and arrive at 5:15 p.m., where I will meet up with two other girls also heading to serve with EAC. At 8:35 p.m. we'll board another plane headed for London that'll arrive at 10:05 a.m. on Sunday. After an eleven-hour-layover, we'll board our final plane to Entebbe, Uganda. We'll arrive at about 8 a.m. Monday (which will be about 11 p.m. Sunday night here in Kansas City).
Pray for peace regarding my friends and family in the States, as well as peace for them regarding me being in Uganda.
Pray for a continually broken heart and spirit so I do not get lost in myself and am following God's will and nudgings.
And, of course, pray for safety, strength, and health.
The love, prayers, and support from everyone I know makes my heart rejoice and my head lighter knowing people are standing in that gap, whether physically while taking care of my things in the States, emotionally through conversations and love, and spiritually through prayer and spiritual support. Thanks.
Watch the God is Bigger than the Boogie Man Video! 🙂
