I’ve heard it said, since I first heard about the Race, that the World Race is a time of change for everyone who fully embraces it.
(Future Racers: You can choose to not change, you do have that freedom, but that’s definitely not a good idea… In fact, that’s an incredibly stupid attitude to try and carry out. Don’t do that.)
Since Day 1, I’ve been embracing the fact that I would change in these 11 months.
And, change, I sure did!
I’ve allowed the Race to change me in my way of thinking: I can now see easier from other points of view and understand cultures more easily.
I’ve allowed the Race to change me in my way of loving others: I have a deeper longing to pursue them and listen carefully to their heart’s desires, even if it doesn’t come out of their mouths.
I’ve allowed the Race to change what I eat: I’ve eaten things every month that I would have included on the list of things that I hate previously—and I enjoy them!
I’ve allowed the Race to change who I am: I am now affirmed in my identity in Christ and cannot be wavered by anyone’s opinions of me.
I’ve allowed the Race to change my spiritual walk and faith: seeing God, applications, and lessons in even the most mundane of tasks.
All of these have been amazing changes. They have been slight challenges, but nothing I didn’t want to embark on.
I mean, the World Race is all about changes, right?!
Well, these last four days have been a challenge to change, to say the least. And I mean that in the worst, heart-breaking way possible.
I am broken. I am confused. I am vulnerable. And, quite frankly, I am angry.
This place was not an area I was willing to accept change in when I launched on the Race in January. Yet, here God is telling me to change.
I had one part of my life figured out. Well, I thought so, anyway.
I was heading home from the Race and returning to an amazing man and directly to Uganda, where my heart longs to be.
Then, three days ago, a simple phrase pissed me off beyond belief:
Follow your heart.
One of my teammates gave me a sticker that she found in her bible that was of Winnie the Pooh hanging on to a heart that said “Follow your heart.”
I stuck it in my journal and doodled around it, not thinking much into why it struck a chord with me. I just chalked it up to a bad mood and exhaustion.
The next day, I was a wreck. I was on an emotional roller coaster.
I laughed harder than I have in years, I played tag with the kids whose house we were staying at, I cried when a teammate yelled at one of the kids, I sat out of playing soccer with the kids and was lost in my own head, I helped at the eyeglass clinic and was blessed by the people we were able to help, I choked back tears at dinner and was unable to hold a conversation, I bawled like a baby in team time when I was asked to give encouraging feedback to a team mate.
And I had no idea what was going on in my own head. It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced.
I had no words. I had no thoughts. I had no idea why I was so upset. I had no idea why I was so happy.
It was as if nothing was allowed to go into my head to be processed and nothing was allowed to come out that was trapped in there.
When I was alone again, I kept seeing scenes from The Matrix play in my head and I was confused as ever. I can’t even remember the last time I watched, or even thought, about that movie. Why is it in my head now?!
Finally, some clarity came the next morning.
“Red blue or blue pill. You have to choose one and forget the other. You can’t have both right now.”
But I wasn’t sure what it meant until I word-vomited (perks of being a verbal processor…) all over a friend when he was asking the tough questions and was offering an ear to listen or just to sit with me, after I couldn’t form thoughts earlier in the night. Then I word-vomited all over my team mates.
It was a messy night.
I was at a crossroads in my life. I thought I knew what I wanted, but the Race has opened my eyes to new possibilities. I have an endless list of opportunities in front of me and I was suddenly feeling constrained by the one I had chosen.
After those four days spent doing eyeglass clinics on the Russia/Ukraine border with no internet, I came home to the following message from one of my beautiful squad leaders, Kelly:
“Praying for the squad yesterday, I got this word and it was assigned to you:
‘DREAM. Think of the best possible life you could have and expect greater things. A caterpillar doesn't stay in its safe and secure cocoon because it can't breathe; it is stifled. God wants his highest for you. Surrender your ideal and know that you were born to flyyyyyyy!’
There's more for you on the race than you came expecting. Let god define the scope of your learning this year. There's so much to discover.”
I bawled. Then read the message to my team mates and cried some more. They smirked and we were amazed at how God speaks through us to others.
It all made sense now.
I have to embrace this change, as much as it hurts.
I have to follow my heart because that is how God is leading me and I am in the darkness as to why. I have to be okay with that.
I had to end a relationship and reevaluate where my calling into God’s mission field is actually taking me.
Changes suck. But, I have to trust that God’s will for my life is more amazing that I can imagine or grasp with my linear thinking.
I don’t know where I am going.
I don’t know what my life will look like.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get married.
I don’t know if I’ll return to Uganda in the next few years or not until many, many years down the road.
I don’t know what I will be doing after the Race.
I don’t know anything about God’s will for my life.
But I do know that I am following into what He has called me into.
I do know that I trust Him.
I do know that this change sucks a lot, but that God has a purpose for it.
I do know that the Brady Bunch kids knew what they were talking about in this song:
http://youtu.be/DyooALwfxO8
Most importantly, I know I serve a God who loves me more than I can grasp and who wants nothing but the best for me, even when I can’t see it with my own eyes.
There’s a Right Time for Everything
"There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I’ve had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he’s left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he’s coming or going. I’ve decided that there’s nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That’s it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It’s God’s gift.
I’ve also concluded that whatever God does, that’s the way it’s going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God’s done it and that’s it. That’s so we’ll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
Whatever was, is.
Whatever will be, is.
That’s how it always is with God.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-15 (The Message)
These kids really know what they are talking about sometime! 😉
At a natural spring near the Russia/Ukraine border before we drove to the top of the mountains.
