Sometimes I just can’t find the words to blog.
I know these are the times that I probably should be blogging the most because I can’t rely on myself in any way, shape or form; I just have no words.
Sometimes I think my blogs have to be about something profound I’m learning, or written well so that people who read them will like them. In reality, nothing I say matters at all. Anything I say that has an effect on people is the Holy Spirit’s doing that I can take no credit for.
With all this said, this month in Thailand has been weird (spiritually). Maybe it’s because we live across the street from a Monastery or maybe it’s because it’s month three of the world race, honestly I still am not exactly sure why.
I do know this month has been a month where God is showing me a lot, but is also wanting me to take the next step even though I’m not sure what that next step is or what it even looks like yet.
I got a vision from the Lord during worship here of Him standing looking down at me, reaching His hand to me from the top of a rock. It really was not too big of a step up on the rock, but He wanted to help me up. Then there were angels all around me holding me, pushing me and pulling me up onto the rock with Jesus. He was showing me that He wants to help me take this next step and that I need to just keep my eyes on Him while He pulls me up.
The biggest thing God has continually shown me this month is my fear. I did not even realize how much of what I do or problems I have are rooted in fear. Anger, approval, “love”, idols…it’s hard to explain without writing a whole book, but basically when things come to the surface (actions) that I’m struggling with, when I check my heart they stemmed from fear.
I am also learning that I fall short daily and have to continually live a life of repentance. I used to not even be able to see my own sin because there was so much shame and I already hated the way I was, so I did everything I could to avoid looking into my heart. (There are obviously still blind spots in this area that I rely on God to point out for me; whether it be directly from Him or through the people in my life.) Now I know that I don’t have to always have it together to go to the Lord. In reality I have it “together” rarely ever, but can confidently run to my Father and trust in His forgiveness and goodness in my life.
Jumping around a lot, but I hope that gives you a little picture of where I’m at in my relationship with the Lord right now. All in all I’m just trying to cling to Him and His truth and walk life out with Him day after day.
