If I'm completely honest I do not want to write this. God keeps gently nudging my heart and I keep bluntly saying no thanks, not this time.
I want to go deeper with You Father!…what does that really even mean? Why do I want to go deeper? What will going deeper look like?
God has been showing me my desire for control. I want to control my life. I've gotten back into the habit of thinking I know what's best for me and therefore I should decide what I can and can't do.
I'm not alone in this struggle, which is very reassuring. God has shown me how a woman's struggle for control goes all the way back to the fall. We are born into sinful nature and we desire to be like God; we desire control over our lives. Our sense of dependence on Him can freak us out and make us turn inward rather than resting in His promise to take care of us.
Knowing I'm not alone in this struggle for control helps me feel a sense of comfort. Others know this struggle and can relate, God knows this struggle and I don't have to hide or be ashamed! I have to fight!!
As I was doing my Bible reading the other morning I came across the story of David and Goliath. As I read it the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to see the story in a new way.
Before David even goes to fight he reminisces on how God had already protected him from the bears and lions while he was shepherding (verses), then as he faces Goliath he proclaims victory in the name of he Lord of Hosts (Divine Warrior) before he actually has the victory, then he fights the giant (verses).
Oh this is so beautiful and God could not have been more clear in speaking into my struggle with control.
You see I get so frustrated with myself I just want to roll over and not put up any sort of fight. I think that since I can't fight in my own strength then I have nothing to offer until the Lord gives me complete breakthrough in this area.
But I can focus on His Patience and His faithfulness! By confessing the ways He has already proved His faithfulness, love and patience for me I can keep my eyes off my struggles/failures and keep my eyes on Him!
I want to share with you some of the ways God has shown up and proved Himself faithful when I had something completely different in mind for my life.
I wanted to put myself through pain, He wants to show me He took on pain and sin so I can be clean and whole
I wanted to not love anyone or feel anything, He wanted to give me love for Him, myself and others and restore a passion in me
I wanted to finish school, He wanted healing and restoration for our relationship
I wanted to go back to school, He wanted to let me see the world and have some of the greatest times of my life
I wanted to be skinny, He wanted to show me my beauty and give me freedom
I wanted to be an athlete, He wanted to give me an unwavering identity in Him
I wanted to die, He wanted me to live and help save others who have been through the same things I've been through
"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21
I wish I could say I'm on the up and up and I wake up feeling refreshed and ready to fight every morning now that I can put words to my struggle, but I can't.
I'm still struggling, every day is a battle. Every hour, every minute sometimes. I choose to fight sometimes and at other times I choose to give in to my selfish desires and decide what I think is best for me.
Maybe I'm being rebellious, maybe this is all happening out of fear…fear of
- Failing
- Nothing changing
- Being miserable
- Losing everything I value or things that make me happy
- Being alone
- Losing those closest to me
- Showing my fear
God is PATIENT and loving even in my struggling! I love watching how He is letting everything unfold in these last few weeks. I feel incredibly loved that He would allow me to struggle so that He can enlarge my heart! His PATIENCE blows my mind but allows a sense of freedom to penetrate, to struggle through this process with Him trusting that He has already worked the victory in my struggle with control.
