I’m out of breath because I like to run.
In fact, it seems like it’s the only thing I’m good at. I wish I could say that I mean literal running but we all know that I don’t love that…
So let me explain myself.
It may be hard to believe but I have been on this journey of ‘World Race’ for 8 months. I have watched bonds form between people who haven’t even physically met. I have listened to struggles that are going on right now with squad mates. Yet, I have formed relationships with people here in my own town that were so unexpected.
Yet, the one thing that I have failed to mention during previous blogs, conversations, and with the people I trust is my hesitancy.
To me, hesitancy is when I pause and breath for too long. I take too much time to evaluate the path where eventually I will not continue down.
I’ve stripped away layers of my heart in front of you guys. I’ve felt like I’ve given all I have but I know I haven’t; because, I have failed to mention that I hesitate.
I hesitate in giving God my prayer life.
I hesitate in fully committing my heart to the World Race.
I hesitate in investing my time in friendships.
I hesitate in fundraising.
I hesitate in putting my time in for myself.
I hesitate because I fill my calendar with ‘things to do’ and ‘people to see’ because it will allow me to focus on things that aren’t ME.
I fail to realize that making time for myself is important.
“How can I pour out to others, if I’m not filled up myself?” — this question has served as a motto for myself for the past year yet I haven’t actually lived it out.
This past week I sat down with a dear friend and mentor, whose wisdom I value so much. I told her about the hesitancy in my life. This was her response—
“When are you going to make time for Cass? I understand you don’t like to say no. You like to make people happy. But you need to distinguish the things ‘You want to do’ and the things ‘God needs you to do'”.
Ouch.
I felt like my heart was bare in front of her but also like she hit me in the face with a book.
The essence of who I am is slowly transforming into something that I could never dream of for myself. Slowly, my heart is being changed into looking a little bit more like its Creator, like its Master.
Fully believing that because I serve an honest God my heart may not look like the stereotype for society. The way that mine and His are forever intertwined requires me to be faithful to Him; as He is to me.
All by being still.
Being still without hesitation.
Forcing myself to stay where my feet are planted; but not let my roots grow there.
Learning where God needs me to be and where I want to fill my schedule. There’s a difference between things that require my investment (my time, heart, spiritual season, emotion, and financial support) and things that just require me.
I want to be knee-deep in involvement with the things that require my investment. But i can only do that when I stop hesitating on what God has in store for me and actually ask Him what to do.
Training camp is in a mere 3 days away. I will leave to Georgia to meet my squad, team, physically and spiritually ready myself before I leave. 10 days of intense relationships and fellowship with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
I pray that in the days leading up, during, and after I will choose to lay down the sense of urgency I have for my life. That my gentle ‘no’s’ become beautiful pieces of a grander puzzle. That hesitancy no longer is a easy to extinguish my fire. That God uses any hesitancy to guide me in stillness.
May all that we do be an act of obedience to God, but not an excuse.
