The World Race is exceptionally intriguing. Traveling across the world, helping the poor, loving orphans, pulling women out of prostitution. My family and friends will be following my journeys through my blog of all the wonderful stories I post. What could be a more self fulfilling year?
How about the hardships that I encounter throughout each of these “self fulfilling” encounters? Physically I can endure the heat, physically I walk around daily and pick up disabled children, physically I can put on a face that I am alright, perfect, and happy about the places and people I encounter. Only for so long, because I am hiding behind a mask.
This mask covers up something; brokenness. Brokenness that I have never experienced. I have walked along the past few years covering up the brokenness of my life with comforts that are easily accessible in America. I do not like to be seen failing. I enjoyed “looking the part,” always seeming comfortable. Yet when something would go not my way I would be able to cover up issues that I am skilled at covering up. Baggage quickly piles up without me noticing. Soon I am drowning in my own problems that I have found earthly solutions to.
Since I was covered up I could go on the race. I could keep my mask up for 11 months and return to America just as I left, altered only a bit. I wouldn’t have to tell others about my trials and struggles, I wouldn’t have to increase my vulnerability to 100% with people I know nothing about. I could go along being a Christian on the race, just as I have for the past 23 years.
WRONG.
What happens when I can not physically finish climbing a mountain in Nepal alone? What happens when I am the hottest I’ve ever been, crying on a couch in India from heartbreak? What about when I have more than 100 mosquito bites over my body? What do I do when I miss the subtle comforts of home that I will not return to for 9 more months? All I have is my 37 pound backpack, 15 pound day pack and my six team members with me in a foreign country. Where can I find serenity? How can I find comfort? When will this end? Something is missing, and I don’t know what it is.
This mask covers up something: God. All I have left is to ask God. Ask God for comfort, ask Him for peace, ask Him for guidance, and ask Him to take over. I can’t do this race alone. I can’t do this race with 6 team members. I can’t do this race with 53 squad mates. I can only do this race with Christ.
Through the past two months, I’ve come to this realization that I can not do this alone. I am learning slowly. I look back on my life the past few years and see how much faithfulness and blessings God has granted me in the mistakes that I have made. He has given me numerous opportunities throughout the years to turn to him in brokenness and I have only covered it up with my mask. This mask marking me as a Christian, but not a Christ follower. Now the opposite is true; I am in the process. This requires selfish motives falling, approval of others not being acceptable, but only approval from Christ, walking in child-like faith, and allowing myself to be seen as a beautiful, beloved daughter of God.
I can not deny I am scared. I have told God I am scared. Its harder to fight walking upstreams, against His will than to be washed downstream with Him. But I know He will not give me anything I can’t handle and he will be patient. I am running the race in such a way that I will win the prize. And I will get a crown that will last forever (1 Corinthians 9:24-25). He is what has been missing.
Psalms 46: 5 “God is with her, she will not fall; God will help her at the break of day”
