Its Month 4. Malaysia: What can I say? I loved you at first! I was experiencing so much greatness at the beginning of this month in just the first week. I had visions, I was feeling emotions of others that I could never conjure myself, and I had never felt the Lord’s presence more clearly than now. We had a “weekend vacation” planned to Penang, the second most desirable place to visit, according to NY Times. But just as we left that Friday, I had never wanted to be alone so much in my life.
I never really realized how much I take my alone time for granted. I have my own house (well I live with the best sister ever, Katie!) and come and go as I please. I can walk upstairs to my bedroom and be alone. If she is not home I am alone. There is something about actually being along that I never understood is desirable. I used to tell myself “I hate being alone!” and forcing myself into hanging out with friends or family. But now that I have been living with 5-6 other people 24/7, I finally understand.
I was hoping that in Penang I would catch some alone time. There were two others teams in the city, I got none. We visited beaches, hiked, walked around the city, went to dinner for our beautiful squad leaders birthday. I honestly had a horrible time in such an amazing town. I found myself just wanting to come back to our house an hour away. I could, and did, pretend I was having a good time for the sake of others. But secretly I my heart was wrenching on the inside because of how much I was “sick” of these people.
I said it. I was sick and tired of the people I have been living with, traveling with, and doing literally everything with. I didn’t want to be around them. I didn’t want to talk to them. I was retaliating hard to feedback to the point of where I didn’t speak for almost two days I was so angry. There was no where to go in our house to be alone and just sit for two seconds with out being bothered or hearing what was going on in the other room. I was throwing out things onto others in retaliation that made my mind go crazy. Everything itty bitty thing was making me go insane.
“She did this because she wants to make me mad”
“I cant stand the way he does that”
“I am tired of being controlled”
“This isn’t my problem”
“I can’t tell them this because they will tell someone else”
It got to the point where I was making up things in my mind that were not even close to being true about my brothers and sisters. What they were thinking, how they were intentionally not loving me, the list goes on. It got the point where I told myself “if I can just get through until debrief I can have some time alone there and then I will be okay.” Oh, how wrong was I…
I had no idea what was actually going on. From experiencing so much greatness at the beginning of this month and then being kicked into a hole, I never took a minute to realize that I was under a severe attack. The enemy has gone so far to poke and punch at my personal relationships with the people I love. These relationships are vital and critical to my essential walk with Christ through this trip and the rest of my life. I NEED THESE PEOPLE. He was trying to turn me against them, and he was doing a great job non the less. I had given him the smallest foot hold and he went running wild. He was attacking every relationship I had with teammates, squad mates, and even leaders. He was trying to cause division among us. The Lord hates division in the church, and I would hate to see similar things happen to me and in our squad.
I finally voiced my heart to my team after a week of being in a really funky funk. They laid hands and began to pray for me. They were praying for boldness, protection, and fruit to bear after this storm passes. But as they were praying I was only seeing one thing: I was standing with the devil (looking like whatever I have created him to look like), face to face. Our faces were so close that our noses were almost touching. I was screaming. Screaming harder than I have ever yelled in my life. I was yelling at him to GET OUT! I told him that I knew what he was doing and I was no longer in the dark and I am ready to retaliate in any way possible. Now that I am aware, I can fight back. The enemy attacks the hardest when God is is full movement. I am so excited to see what the Lord has for me on the other end of this storm.
FUNDRAISING: I still need $2,000 to be fully funded by January! Click the Support Me! tap to give 🙂 Love you all! Your prayers and support mean the world to me, literally.
