Hello Hello friends! Happy to be sitting in my pear shaped chair on this sunny afternoon as I attempt to put my thoughts into words and update you wonderful humans on my life. So here we go!
Recently, I’ve been feeling very distant from God. Which has been absolutely frustrating to say the least. I got accepted to the race during week 2 of this term, everything was falling into place, now here we are week 9 and a sister is struggling! I’ve been grinding hard; gym, school, fundraising, study. Repeat. A few weeks back I had this huge realization on what God has been doing in my life, all the little things that I typically don’t take the time to notice until it hits me like a wrecking ball. The best wrecking ball of all. But like always it comes in waves and I’m back to feeling stagnant.
The frustrating part is that it’s for no specific reason. I have no reason to feel distant at all and you would think with the race coming up I’d be thriving. I’ve been asking myself the question, “what am I doing wrong?” more often than I should be.
The last two weeks I’ve gone to the church I love with all of my friends but as soon as I’d get there, I suddenly had no desire to be there. My mind would be racing. Worship is normally my favorite part but I couldn’t bring myself to focus. I’d be thinking of everything except what the teaching was on. Mind full of distractions. Thoughts of “I feel so distant why am I even here” became greater and greater.
Two weeks ago at church, I sat behind this girl and her boyfriend. Both strangers to me. The girl seemed my age so since I was already distracted I began paying attention to her body language. Something I never do. About three songs in I saw her hug her boyfriend and leave. Before I knew it my mind was saying “go get her”. I stood there for a second as the song went on telling myself I was crazy and not to go. Before I knew it I found myself running out the church and down the street yelling “HEY” at a stranger in the middle of downtown Portland. Pretty sure that goes against everything my parents ever taught me but hey I’m alive.
The girl stopped. I found myself thinking.. oh shoot what do I say? Why did I come to get her if I don’t even want to be here myself?? I began by explaining how I was sitting behind her and just wanted to check if she was okay. She went on to tell me how she was hurt by someone in a previous church so sometimes just being in a church brings up emotions and it’s difficult to be there. In response, I told her how I was feeling a similar way how I had no desire to stay. I told her how an old friend of mine goes to the same church and that sometimes distractions are there but I believe God still wants us there. How I don’t normally chase strangers down the street but that I think God was pushing me to invite her back. She thanked me and we both went back in for the teaching.
Some may think that I was there for her but I think she was there for me. Through that girl I realized that it is okay to not always feel full. To not always feel happy to be sitting in church. It’s okay to feel distracted and distant. That I wasn’t the only one feeling out of place in that room.
I went to church yesterday with the same feeling. Frustrated. Distant. Distracted. Angry with myself for feeling so distant but not knowing the reason. In all honesty, I sat through the teaching and didn’t listen to a single thing. Instead I text my old younglife leader, Julie, I told her how I’ve been feeling and asked for recommendations on a scripture or reading to work through. Quickly she replied and told me how these feelings are not from God but from the enemy. Something I always struggle to remember. She also told me of a book that I just ordered and offered to reread it with me. A 30 day listening prayer reading that she is willing to do again in order to help hold me accountable. Very excited to start that:)
Toward the end of church I went down for prayer, two guys on the prayer team came up to me and listened to how I’d been feeling. I ended by saying, “I just don’t know what else to be doing”. The guy responded, saying that maybe I have been doing too much. That God just wants me to rest in his presence and stop worrying so much. That I don’t need to do anything to be with Him. He was right. I’ve been allowing busyness to takeover my life the past few weeks. I haven’t been stopping to rest. To love myself. To just sit and listen for his voice. After we prayed, the other guy said how he felt like God was putting it on his heart to affirm me that I am able to hear His voice. Funny because I always struggle with doubting if something is from God or not.
So now what? My prayer for the next few weeks is that I’d be practicing less doing and more being. More being with him. Whatever that may look like. That I’d be less worried about fitting everything into my schedule and more focused on relaxing in his presence. That I’d start noticing His work in the little things again. That I’d have less doubt and in return even stronger faith. I’m sure I’ll have more days where I struggle but my hope is that I learn to speak truth over the lies the enemy tries to tell me. It’s a journey for sure but I’m excited to be open to all of it and continue sharing it with you guys.
As always, Thanks for reading.
Catch ya next blog!
Love y’all, Cass
