This evening marks my last one here in Phnom Penh, Cambodia.
This week has been hard. I’ve been asking myself where the time went. These last 3 months seriously flew by. As I’ve been reflecting on everything that’s come out of this place I think the best way to say it is that it’s been hard.
Cambodia has been hard in the most challenging ways and the best of ways all at the same time. Moving to Cambodia was one of the biggest transitions. I was transitioning into a new role amongst my squad as well as dealing with culture shock and spiritual warfare. Costa Rica was fairly similar to the states so Cambodia has been the first time I’ve experienced culture shock. It was the first time I’d ever seen such loving people in the middle of such a broken place.
For about the first month and a half, I wished I wasn’t here. I fell into complaining. I let myself think that home would be easier. I considered stepping down from what my leadership asked of me because things felt too hard. I would take things to my friends first instead of the Lord. I told myself that I wasn’t good enough to be living this lifestyle anymore. Looking back now, I honestly sat back and let the enemy attack me in every single way.
During midpoint debrief I verbally processed everything and sought out new perspective from my leadership. Being the incredible people they are, they pointed me back to the Lord. About a week later I stood in a worship session as the song Reckless Love played. Kacie asked if we sang it and actually believed it and if not then be brave enough to ask for prayer. I raised my hand because in that moment I realized I actually didn’t. I realized here I am going into month 7 of a 9 month mission trip yet I still wasn’t believing the Father truly loves ME. Even after these past few years of acting like I knew, I still wasn’t choosing to trust that the Lord chases me down just to love me.
Since then, Cambodia has been a season of digging up hard roots. It’s looked like having too many of the hard conversations. It’s been a hard time of me pointing out things in myself that don’t represent Christ. It’s been a long and really hard season of working out a lot of internal stuff. Stuff that I’m still digging up, working out and trying so hard to fully lay at the Father’s feet and seek His truth in. I’m leaving here in a season of learning what true Fatherly love looks like from the greatest one of all.
As I look back at the beginning of Cambodia I wish I wouldn’t have kept wishing to get out of here so bad. Because now I see the Lord had SO much for me here. It wasn’t until this last month that I allowed my attitude to fully shift. Honestly, if I could change one thing it’d be appreciating this place every moment of every single day for 3 months instead of just the last month and a half.
As I sit here and think about how hard this place has been I also think about how good it’s been. When I remember this place and tell my loved ones about it, I won’t want to tell them about the hard because there is too much good here. I’ll tell my family about the 3 kiddos that follow us to the coffee shop holding our hands. I’ll think about this community and hear the tender sound of the kiddos on the street yelling “teacha teacha” in my head. I’ll tell them about the woman at the market and her sweet laugh. I’ll attempt to mimic the karaoke that played at all hours of the night. I’ll think of the howling dogs that woke me up at 4am. I’ll remember sitting on the roof to stare at the sky each day and that night of stargazing with Nicole and Nathan. I’ll share with my family about the family I’m leaving behind here. About Smey and Sreymei. About my friend Nhemol and how strong she is. About Nepa and how his smile changes when he giggles. Sopia and how great her food was but even more how great her smile is. I’ll share with them all the Lord gifted me and taught me in this place.
Today was my last day at school and I can confidently say it’s been my hardest goodbye. I’m leaving so many loved ones in this place. Thanks to all the hard, I’m leaving here a different person. Thanks to all the hard, I’m learning how to unquestionably trust that I’m loved by my Father. Hard really is good when you know God.
So, thanks to all the hard, Cambodia is the hardest goodbye of all.
Until next time Cambodia, I’ll miss you.
