Yes, it is a NEEDTOBREATHE song. (A favorite, off of my favorite CD of theirs!)
First, I aught to let you in on a secret..I want to let you in- I’m afraid of people misunderstanding me. Call it narcissism, but I have longtime felt the need to explain (anything, everything), and have longtime felt my explanations inadequate. I have a history of running in circles, exhausting others and myself.
(You can probably relate and easily imagine how many blog posts I have deleted pre-posting.)
I have a fear of man.
I am addicted to what others think.
BUT- I am not ashamed of my struggle.
I am actually pretty proud of myself for accepting where I am! For one, you can’t love yourself if you don’t know yourself, and two, knowing myself puts me in prime position for knowing God and His love for me. For all the mulling through I have done so far, I am amazed and refreshed that God already knew, and He shows me something more about His love.
Even more, I used to feel guilty, about taking time (a year, no less 
) just for learning about how deep, wide, long and high God’s love is for me. The purpose has been true from the beginning, but the revelations of why and just how important this is for me keep coming. I’m in the business of finding freedom, people!
In “Emotionally Healthy Spiritually” by Peter Scazzero, I learn more about Jesus and His secure self worth, or ‘true-self’. (Mingled quotes/thoughts to follow with page numbers!) I am amazed at Jesus- and quite honestly, blown away by just how perfect, perfect is.
He remained self-assured regardless of the outrage or disappointment of his friends and family (81). The disciples had projections of ideas for a Messiah that Jesus didn’t fulfill. Mainly, the fact that Jesus died to win the battle. Jesus did not hold their misunderstandings against them… He loved them through it! The fact that we can misunderstand someone who perfectly explains what he means BOGGLED me. It isn’t always my fault that someone thinks negatively, or positively, about me. Sometimes people will see me through their bias regardless of what I show them- which frees me up to stop trying and just be who I am, where I am!
**WARNING- RADICAL THOUGHT AHEAD**
Jesus was not selfless (81). I did a double-take with that sentence, and got really excited to learn something fresh about my own misunderstandings.
To further the quote, “He did not live as if only other people counted. He knew his value and worth.”
This amazed me. Jesus considered his self-worth in his perfection. I know that our struggle is both considering ourself too much and too little, with distortions of what is true about ourselves and what is true about considering our worth. Jesus walked in freedom, valuing his worth in Sonship, and this, I think, enabled him to completely understand the worth of us. I think the acceptance of others worth as great, and our own worth as great, go together, and do not exist without the other.
“…Do you reaaally mean that it is OKAY to value myself and consider my worth as great? I can consider my worth in light of my imperfections, and am worthy of attention and being valued?” YUP.
The old self/worldview I held was this: Got struggles? Hide them. Got success? Show off. Got failure? Downplay. All this I did in the name of being Christian.
Equally destructive, I held a view for other people to fit into as well- Got struggles? Just don’t. Got sin? Just don’t. HA. You can imagine my friends reactions…not pretty. (To some friends reading this who just didn’t experience that side of me, maybe I felt secure in our friendship, maybe your self-confidence or vulnerability softened my heart… but definitely, it was God’s grace.)
…I am disturbed and saddened by all I have said and done in the name of ‘being a Christian”. And those feelings are okay to feel.
Lately I have been realizing how that ‘filter’ ‘rugged’ my emotions and inner self-worth and identity. Woowee.
But the blood of Jesus. Dive deep. Sift through. Accept. Reject illusions of self. WHEW. (This means I’m getting some alone time!)
The reality of where I am now is I am learning to love myself, and at the same time, learning to love God, and at the same time, learning what His love is like. They go hand in hand, one not without the other.
Learning to Love.
Thank you for reading! And I accept you, even if you misunderstand me, or don’t understand me completely. See? God is working! Join me in learning to love yourself truly- and if you were looking for a book reference, check out Emotionally Healthy Spiritually by Peter Scazzero. I send my love!
