Braveheart. The title for the last post I wrote, that deleted itself after I clicked ‘Save’, at 2 in the morning, with so many feelings put into words.
Done. How I felt when that “little” thing happened…
Except it wasn’t “little” to me. As a person who approves of all things practical and useful, I didn’t expect to feel a pang of loss over a seemingly unpractical bunch of words…. but the truth is I appreciated the fact that I worked through something special in my heart and was able to put it into words. After it deleted, I shoved my disappointment under my pillow, turned out the lights, cuddled with my covers and tried to sleep.
I felt lonely after that, and though I was okay with the feeling (it happens, it passes), I told God he could carry it for me. I needed to think about this… such a small thing was pulling up some emotional roots!
So I started telling God what I was feeling, and the reasons revealed themselves. I told Him I was disappointed that I often have “something specials” to share, but no one to share them with. Just little things- a ridiculous idea for a game, a movie reference to something that happened that day, a theme on life, a ‘foot in mouth’ moment, a joy, a disappointment- just daily, little thoughts. It isn’t that I don’t have anyone to share little tid-bits of life with EVER, but my friends are mostly long distance, and my present community is 1-3x per week (which IS great!). My entire life I have desired the sweetness of life by way of having a constant companion- hoping for satisfaction, refreshing rest. (And lets get real, though I desire marriage for the companionship it offers, it doesn’t solve any problems relationally- it adds. I wish for relatable companionship by way of friendship- glued at the hips, as it were. I’m just telling you what I want, it is okay if what I want isn’t plausible. Thats the beauty of freedom in Christ; my desires aren’t automatically perfect, they are being made into His likeness all through my life.)
Here is the ironic part…
Jesus gave me the gift of a constant companion years ago. I know it is okay for me to long for a more present community, but I think God is trying to teach me something about Him…
So here are some things I’m asking God about Himself.. (cause you GOTTA ask questions if you wanna learn!)
– “So, when You say that You satisfy, what exactly does that look like relationally between us?”
– “How do You speak to me, how do I recognize Your voice?”
– “You know me so well… what is something about You that You desire to reveal to me?”
And hey, my faithful or first-time readers, here is a little something special about me and God:
He has always come through. I can’t wait to share about all the ways He answers these questions with you! The fact that I’m going on this trip is a testament to another question I asked Him in December… it was a whopper!!… –> “God, eeexactly HOW much do You love me?”
I would encourage you to ask that, too. Don’t hesitate, and as Arnold would say, “DO IT NOW!”
Love love love,
Casey
