Leading up to training camp I had one expectation: to see God move in a mighty, powerful and new way. I went ready to experience the many fruits of the spirit that bring a certain flair- you know the ones: tongues, prophesy, visions, laughter, physical healing, basically the electricity of the spirit. When something new didn’t come, well, I didn’t know where to go from there.
Why wasn’t God moving in me…?
I felt like a wallflower in the presence of God.
…I came to the ball, God, by why haven’t you asked me to dance?
I felt like he was saying…
“There are more pertinent healings happening right now, Cassandra.” “I don’t have this for you. Wait your turn on the side. I’ll come get you when I’m ready.”
I was an obligated invite. A begging child. A pre-teen girl longing for attention.
…even though I knew better.
Here is the fresh wind of truth I have since received:
I’m always in the ‘participating presence’ of God.
Psalm 139 (Go read it!!) tells me that if I ascend to heaven, God is there. If I go to a dark place, God is there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, God is there. “Where shall I go from Your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from Your presence?” My heart and mind had been sore from searching out the presence of God. I was asking Him why I was not seeing certain fruits, or experiencing certain spiritual happenings.
In my search I was like an infant crying for her mother when she was holding me. Oh, His comfort has come. But not without His rod! He gave me a quick reprimand: “You can’t insist on anything from me. You think you know what you need, and you are holding onto this idea in desperation instead of giving your sanctification over to me.” **
WHEW. At camp I had a moment where I realized that I had given God my actions- plans, and what I would actually be doing in life. Easy peasy. What was a new thing to hand over was my maturing- my sanctification. My growth in not hurting people. My growth in speaking truth over myself and others. I have been searching for this ‘destination’ for a while, just wanting to be free from a pattern of hurting myself and others.
God’s plan is different… it is a process, a step-by-step journey. He has me working on one thing right now, and its freedom to grow slowly but surely in his timing, in His way. He is actively participating in my life!
The theme of “being” applies here: just be where you are- including your darkness you don’t realize yet, your sin struggles and failures you see in your ‘spiritual mirror’, your present hopes, dreams and possibilities. I’m finding that the more I accept where I am, the more free I am to be still before God. I don’t have to try, I don’t have to muster up, and I DON’T have to do a dang thing. Y’all… we are free to be. AND OH WOULDN”T YOU KNOW IT- I don’t have to ask Him for the gifts of His presence. These things are added after I seek Him out. Oh the beauty of His plan… the simplicity. I am a simple being- I need the map laid out for me- and He has. It comes down to this: “Cassandra, come and sit with me, walk with me, talk with me, listen to me- be with me.”
You know what that means? It means I can dance with Jesus. It means I’m not bound to endure a wallflower existence. You, sweet friend, are also meant for more than a side-line view.
Thank you for reading!!
Sending you Love from above,
Cassandra
**I have been reading Catherine Marshall’s book “Something More” as a read-along with Peter Scazzero’s Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. They quote many of the same authors, and parallel one another in topic with a different perspective, completing the picture. It’s a combination laid in my lap that has aided in some dramatic changes in my worldview. Anyway, I have some quotes in here and ideas that I’ve learned from these books. Incredible sources.
