WARNING: EXPLICIT DETAILS
Today marks 2 years that I have been completely clean from cutting!
In honor of this wonderful anniversary I’ve decided to share my story.
The first thing I want to say is that Self Harm is nothing to make fun of or be teased about. People do not self harm for attention. It is not a phase. It is a VERY real mental illness. Not something that should be taken lightly
I first learned about cutting from an episode of 7th Heaven.
In the episode one of the girls had a friend over and she over heard someone saying something rude about her so she went into the bathroom and used some ones razor to cut little knicks into her leg.
Their parents later needed to explain to the girls what cutting was and what their friend was doing and that she needed help. I still didn’t exactly understand what the girl was doing or why.
I had my first panic attack when I was in 7th grade. I was doing math homework at home and I didn’t understand and I immediately started bawling my eyes out and shaking uncontrollably. So I went to go talk to my mom she told me I was having a panic attack. My mom has a history of Panic Attacks and Anxiety as well, So did her mom. So my mom knew what was happening and how to deal with it. She eventually got me to calm down.
In 9th grade, A friend of mine had a nasty scab on the top of her wrist and said that it was because she cut herself (which I didn’t realize till later that it was a lie and she said that for attention)
I thought about how I had feelings of it before but was too afraid to try.
So that night, I went home and cut myself. I was still scared so I think I just used a butter knife and I did it on my shoulder. It didn’t leave any scars or blood it just burned really bad and I remember thinking that I liked the feeling of the burning. I went to school the next day and told my friend what happened.
I didn’t do it for attention or to be like her I did it because I had thoughts of it before and I figured since she (supposedly) had done it that she would understand. She look at me like I was crazy and she laughed at me, She then continued to make fun of me and poke jokes at me about it for several months. I didn’t understand why she would criticize me for cutting myself when she had done it before. I just couldn’t understand and it only made me more upset and I continued to cut myself. I used anything sharp (such as paper clips) and just dragged it along my skin to irritate it (not to draw blood.) After a few months of it I talked to my good friend about it because I had this secret boiling under my skin. He looked scared and asked me Why? I realized then that I didn’t have an answer for why so I decided to stop. It wasn’t hard to stop because I didn’t realize what I was doing was an addiction and I didn’t realize it was dangerous.
When I was 18, I started having more frequent panic attacks and they continued to progress and I started having them two or three times a week. I was then diagnosed with Severe Clinical Depression and Severe Anxiety and I was immediately put on medicine.
I started on Wellbutrin, Which made me nauseous so I switched to Celexa which made me have feelings of hurting myself again (Which I hadn’t even thought about in 3 years)
So I was put onto Zoloft, which I have been on for about 4 years now.
I don’t remember exactly when I started cutting again I just know I was doing it for a while.
I think I figured it out to be about 1 year to 2 years that I was cutting.
Anytime anyone asked me why I used to cut, I never explain to them because I don’t think they will understand but I will explain now:
I used it as a release. I would get so upset and depressed at times that I couldn’t handle it.
I had no control over my emotions and they were always all over the place and so up and down that the only thing I could do was cut. It made me feel better. I always said that I would rather the physical pain instead of the emotional pain. So I cut until my leg hurt worse than my heart did. I cut to feel control over something because my emotions were so out of control. A lot of people turn to drugs and alcohol; I turned to self harm.
Here comes the bad part, the part that no one knows.
I used scissors. I had a pair of scissors that I had around just for self harm.
I would open them wide and would drag one blade lightly across my right thigh.
Just enough to break the skin and for blood to trickle down but not enough that the blood wouldn’t clot.
I would do this repeatedly, about 6 or 7 times until I got the release I needed.
then I’d wait for the blood to dry and wipe it off with a wet wash cloth that I would wash immediately and throw in the laundry room.
The rest of the night and the next day my leg would tingle and burn and the sensation was enough to keep me calm.
The more I did it the worse it got, I’d go deeper, harder and I’d drag it across my leg even more.
It got to the point my leg had so many scars and scabs and new wounds that it hurt to bend my leg (at the top)
Alot of my story seems like a big blur but I remember having a long in depth talk with my brother and telling him that I’m a cutter.
I refused to show him my leg because I knew it would scare him.
I won’t ever forget the look on his face when I told him.
He was scared for me and he didn’t know what to do.
So he told my parents.
I didn’t find out he told them until later.
One night I left a bloody washcloth in the shower and forgot to rinse it clean and my mom saw it.
She came into my room and asked me if I was okay.
I didn’t understand why she would ask me then she told me she saw a bloody washcloth in the bathtub and asked me what happened.
I was so scared after she told me that so I told her the truth.
I told her I had been cutting myself and it had been going on for a while.
We talked for a long time about what to do and how to handle the situation and mom, dad and I decided that we would turn to God and ask him for help.
I remember having my mentor from church pray for me to stop cutting.
She placed her hand on the spot I cut and prayed for healing.
It didn’t happen immediately or easily but I stopped cutting. I decided it was time to stop when I cut twice in one day. It was becoming too strong of an addiction. I could no longer control it.
I remember when I was 9 days clean having people (others that self harmed) tell me how inspiring I was and told me to stay strong.
I wasn’t getting clean for myself anymore, I was clean for those who weren’t strong enough yet and with God by my side I made it to 5 months clean!
Then, I had an awful break up. (everyone has one right?)
It was awful and I ended up cutting myself that day.
afterward I told my ex and he told me that I was crazy and needed help.
which DIDN’T help at all.
In order to prove him wrong, I didn’t cut again.
Then in order to show myself that I was strong and God was on my side, I haven’t cut since and today I am 2 years clean and on my way to getting off of my Zoloft for good!
Every hard day continues to be a struggle but instead of cutting, I turn to God and I pray.
Because of God I am stronger and I’m strong enough to share my story in hopes of helping someone.
I will never be afraid of my scars; They’re healed and so am I.
If you or someone you know is dealing with self-harm, call for help:
SAFE (Self-Abuse Finally Ends) Alternative Information Line 1-800-DONT-CUT
Self-Injury Foundation’s 24-hour National Crisis Line 1-800-334-HELP
Thursday’s Child 1-866-210-3388 (A toll-free self-injury helpline for teens)
